Trump Tells Taliban They Owe Him a Cut

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not the president was briefed on Russia’s efforts to pay bounties to Taliban forces in Afghanistan, what he did about that briefing, and who else was briefed about the situation is a subject that likely won’t be cleared up in the next few days. However, according to several sources close to the situation, President Donald Trump has reached out to the Taliban and demanded a “brokerage fee” for any and all bounties they were able to carry out for the Kremlin.

This weekend, The We Promise It’s Really Failing New York Times reported that Trump had received intelligence briefings earlier this year about Russia’s bounty operation in Afghanistan. However, as was also reported, it’s unclear what — if anything — the administration has done in response. The administration has offered varying explanations and excuses ranging from the president not being briefed, to the intelligence itself not being confirmed. Several news outlets have verified the initial reporting, however, and agencies in allied countries have confirmed it as well.

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This afternoon, President Trump sent Taliban leadership something he called “an invoice and bill of sale” as well as a legal demand for his “cut of the action.”

“To whom it may concern,” Trump’s letter began, “Please send me a portion of the bounties you collected from my good friend Vladimir equal to no less than 4% of the total you collected. As you know, I’m the chief executive of this great nation, and as CEO, I should get a CEO bonus. Apparently, though, the cucks who wrote this so-called Constitution, whatever that is, didn’t write CEO bonuses into it. So, I’ve gotta look out for Ol’ Number One every chance I get, don’t I?”

Trump argued to the Taliban that it’s “standard practice” for someone who helps “act as a go-between” for two parties be financial compensated when those parties reach a business agreement. Therefore, Trump told the Taliban, they should see him as that kind of middleman. A “smallish fee” would communicate to Trump that the Taliban “respects and honors” his “bigly business prowess.”

“Consider it a brokerage fee, okay? Just a small little kickback to the house, if you will,” Trump wrote. “I’m sure you can afford it!”

It’s unclear at this time whether Trump send his demand for a cut of the bounties to the Taliban before or after he told reporters that he thought the whole story was “blown way out of proportion.” As we reported yesterday, the president apparently thought the Taliban were simply throwing rolls of paper towels at U.S. soldiers.

“I have to tell you all, this is being blown way out of proportion,” Trump insisted. “Why should we care if Russia wants to pay Taliban soldiers to throw paper towels at our soldiers? As far as I’m aware, Bounty is one of the best paper towels that you can get! It’s not like they’re chucking store brand paper towels at our troops for chrissakes!” (PGC)

This isn’t the only terrorism-related development to involve the White House this week. This outlet also reported last week that ISIS was so impressed with the American COVID-19 death tally that they wanted to recruit the man they think is most responsible for it to join their ranks. Trump has yet to accept or decline the offer ISIS made to him.

Despite all our best efforts, ISIS has yet to kill Americans on the scale that your laziness, ineptitude, and apathy have. Frankly, Mr. President, if we could add the Top American Killer to our ranks, it would be quite a boost to our morale. Even our friends in Al Qaeda have never been able to pull off killing quite so many Americans as you have. Kudos, sir, kudos! (PGC)

As of the time of reporting, the Taliban has not responded to Trump’s demand.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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