NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald Trump has had a bumpy ascension to power since winning the presidential election in November. His transition and the selection of his cabinet have raised several eyebrows among politicians and pundits alike. This week, Trump’s boasts about how well the economy is doing — an economy he’s had no power over and won’t have any power over for another few weeks — confused a lot of people in the media and on the Hill, and this morning at a press conference, Trump took credit for a couple of other things.
“You know,” Trump said, sniffling and snorting, “a lot of people don’t realize this, but there are over twenty million people who got health insurance coverage through the Affordable Care Act, which of course was my baby. My creation. We all remember this. They wanted to call it Trumpcare, but I said to them, ‘No, I have enough things with my name on them, I want to give this gift to the people. My people. My beautiful people who love me, their dear, beautiful leader.’ So we call it the Affordable Care Act, AND NOTHING ELSE!”
When reporters asked how he could be taking credit for the ACA when it was signed into law six years ago, well before he was elected, Trump shrugged.
“How can I do a lot of things I’ve done this year,” Trump smiled smugly, “I mean that’s going to be the theme for my presidency, so you mooks in the media better start getting used to writing it and saying it, ‘How’s he do it?’ I’ll tell you how. First, huge balls and a TOTALLY NORMAL SIZED PENIS. It makes me bold and strong. Also, I’m a winner. Winners win. Winners do. I do. Because I win.”
Mr. Trump also took credit for something else that reporters found puzzling.
“You know, many people are calling Barack Obama the first president of color,” Trump said, “but I think those people are wrong. As far as I can tell, I’m the first person of color to be president. That color of course is orange.”
Trump would go on to make several other claims about his place in history.
“Not only am I the first president of color,” Trump said, “I’m also the first man on the moon, I co-wrote the song ‘Amazing Grace’ and I even gave Jesus Christ the idea for sacrificing himself. Before me, he was just going to go live in seclusion somewhere and I told him he should make a big, splashy production out of like, dying or whatever. The coming back from the dead thing? Me. All me. I like zombie movies, and I told him to capitalize on how popular they are. Oh, also, fire. Totally discovered fire. Before I was born, people were still just using the sun and magnifying glasses to heat things up. I bet a lot of gazpacho was eaten back then, know what I mean?”
Donald Trump, yes that Donald Trump, will become the 45th President of the United States when he is officially sworn into office on January 20th, 2017.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.