INDIA — President Donald Trump is in India for a couple of days this week. Today, he gave a speech to a throng of Indian citizens at a stadium where professional cricket matches are held. However, before he gave his speech, Trump was given a tour of the Taj Mahal with First Lady Melania. During the tour, Trump made a most unusual offer to India’s leadership.
“Hey, this Taj is pretty good. It’s a pretty good Taj. I mean, I’m an expert on Taj’s, and everyone who’s ever known me or heard about me knows that’s the case,” Trump said as he turned to India’s prime minister while on the tour, “so you can take my opinion to the bank. This is a pretty good Taj. I’ve seen better though. Mine. My Taj was better.”
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Prime Minister Modi didn’t quite know how to respond, so he let President Trump just blather on, as his aides had advised him to do if just such a situation arose.
“I mean, if I’m being honest, this Taj, as much as I respect it, and as good as it is, could use a little bit of help,” Trump posited, touching and running his finger along and over things as he spoke. “Like, how come the person who owns this Taj’s name isn’t in big letters out front? I know a sign guy. You want me to call my sign guy? He does great work! He could have the sign up in a week’s time, tops.”
Still Modi didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent and listened.
“Of course, if you’re gonna put a big sign out front with the guy’s name on it who owns this Taj, you could also stand to put a few hundred card tables in here,” Trump suggested. “Every Taj needs some blackjack and poker tables. And while I’m on the subject, what about a few slot machines? You’re really under-utilizing your game space here. The more I look around, the more opportunity I see to put games in here. That room over there has the space for at least six or seven craps tables!”
For the rest of his tour, Trump kept bringing up what he would change or do to improve the Taj Mahal. He suggested staffing it with “hot bitches in short skirts” to bring guests cocktails. Trump said he himself doesn’t drink, but he knows people like to drink, and that as they drink they gamble more. Modi, through every suggestion, just smiled and nodded.
“I’m telling you, just get some hot bitches in short skirts slinging drinks, and you could take this Taj to the next level! I have a very good, big brain, and lots of good ideas,” Trump boasted. “In fact, you know what you should do, just let me run this Taj for you. I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve run a Taj Majal before, you know. Some say I ran it better than anyone could ever hope to run a Taj Mahal.”
Trump picked his nose and wiped it on Melania’s shirt.
“Ask anyone, and they’ll tell, I ran the Trump Taj Mahal,” Trump said. “I might have run it into the ground, but that still counts! It still counts as running something if you run it off a cliff! Or if you run it into bankruptcy! It still counts as running it! FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE CANNOT CHANGE THAT FACT!”
Aides could see the president was unnerved. Recognizing the signs of an impending meltdown, they brought him some emergency KFC, which they stocked Air Force One with prior to leaving D.C. Trump began shoving the fried chicken into his face, and with each bite, he seemed to mellow just slightly.
“Look, let’s just circle back to this, okay? We gotta go to that cockroach stadium or whatever anyway,” Trump told Modi. “But, really, if you’re looking for someone to push this Taj Mahal into Chapter 11, or whatever, I’m your guy. You let me know, though, okay?”
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