Poll: 94% Of Respondents Wish Trump Could Trade Places With Capt. Humayun S.M. Khan

Results from a new poll conducted over the weekend show an astounding number of Americans wish that Republican Presidential Nominee Donald J. Trump could somehow trade places with Capt. Humayun S.M. Khan. The poll was conducted by CNN and polling company We Poll You So Hard out of Hoboken New Jersey. Conducted from Friday through Sunday morning, the results show more than nine out of every ten Americans wish that the laws of physics and biology would bend so that Trump and Khan could swap sides of the life and death spectrum.

Khan is the soldier at the center of the latest dust-up over comments Trump has made to the press. The Army captain died in Iraq back in 2004 after a car bomb exploded, killing him and a couple of Iraqi civilians. Capt. Khan is credited with saving the lives of several of his fellow soldiers, and was given the Bronze Star and Purple Heart posthumously. He is buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Khan’s parents appeared at last week’s Democratic National Convention and his father gave an emotional and memorable speech in which he now famously said that Trump has “sacrificed nothing.”  Trump then smeared the Khans in the press, going so far as to say he has sacrificed quite a lot himself. The results of the poll show that the overwhelming majority of Americans would rather Trump have been in the way of the car bomb blast and not Khan, all things considered.

“It’s really quite stunning,” Dr. Helen Helena told reporters. Dr. Helena is the lead statistician at We Poll You So Hard and said the results “speak for themselves” and show that many, many Americans find Trump’s treatment of the Khan family to be “reprehensible and gross.”

94% of those polled said that in their estimations the “world would be a better place” if Trump and Capt. Khan were able to switch places. According to the poll, respondents were ambivalent about the issue of whether it would have been better for Trump to have been killed in the blast instead of Khan, or if it would just be easier for humanity to perform some kind of “metaphysical switcheroo” as Dr. Helena called it, and simply swap out Trump’s life for Khan’s existence in the afterlife.

Reached for comment, God told our reporter she “really wishes” she could grant that request but that would mean she’d get bombarded with a whole lot of requests and she just doesn’t think that’s fair. She did say however that she’d be willing to “do a package deal” if humans on Earth could figure out who to swap out for Dick Cheney in addition to Trump.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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