Trump Supporter Demands ‘Safe Space’ at Rallies

HOBART, OHIO — Clem O’Connell did not like what he saw on television Friday night. Watching an enormous group of anti-Donald Trump protesters cause such panic in his candidate that a rally had to be postponed made O’Connell very upset.

“Where in the Constitution does it say people can enter a place that didn’t have any rules about who can enter and protest an event in that same place,” O’Connell asked reporters outside a Trump rally in Ohio. “I got these here lower case T’s to put up around tonight’s rally and I’m gonna set them on fire so that we Trumpeters can warm ourselves,” Clem said, “and gather for unity in a safe space, away from those mean ol’ protesters!”

Mr. O’Connell says that while he never took any constitutional law classes in college, he knows “for a fact” that the concepts of Freedom of Speech and to peaceably assemble were violated by the Chicago protesters.

“Since when is it allowed for someone to go into a place they know they’re not wanted and protest,” Clem asked, “just because they are being peaceful and assembling to speak out? Is that really them using the freedom of speech and of peaceable assembly? Only in the most strict and literal definition of the word. But I submit that nowhere in the Constitution does it say that Democrats or non-conservatives have that right. And as we all know if the Constitution doesn’t explicitly say it, that means it’s not allowed.”

Clem told us that he would never violently confront a Trump protester, and instead wants a safe space set up for the rallies so that his own feelings of anxiety and anger over not being agreed with don’t make him “have a sad,” as he said.

“Why come these protesters won’t respect our feelings,” O’Connell asked, “why cant they just let us exist only in the world we want to, with the people we care to have around us? I don’t wanna be reminded of how many people don’t agree with me, and in America I don’t have to expose myself to opposing viewpoints if I don’t wanna!”

With so many months left before the election, Clem hopes that the Secret Service detail assigned to Trump can help establish the safe spaces that he wants for he and his fellow Trump supporters.

“I got a good look at real democracy on Friday night,” Clem said, “and I didn’t like it. Because it made me realize that my little insular view of the world isn’t shared by every single person. I was under the impression that all true, red blooded, ammo-hoarding patriots wanted Trump. What I saw were hundreds of people who don’t, and they were being just as forceful in their convictions as I am…that makes me has a sad. And that seems un-American — to disagree with me.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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