HEINRICH, ARIZONA — Marcus Palumbozo wants to attend a Donald Trump rally when it comes to his town, but he is also very “scared and afraid” that liberal protesters will show up en masse like they did in Chicago, and he thinks Trump’s Secret Service detail should take extra precautions to protect “the sacred bigotry” he feels Trump represents.
“If I were running security,” Palumbozo said, “I’d make everyone with a beard and a Bernie t-shirt wear a special liberal patch.” Palumbozo said the patch could be shaped like a hammer and sickle and be “Commie red.” Those patches, he says, would make it easier for Trump supporters to identify potential problem people and them removed much more quickly.
Marcus told us that while he didn’t take any classes in constitutional law or even U.S. History in community college, he did have an autoshop teacher in high school that told him the truth about liberals.
“They’re evil, and they all want us addicted to government,” Palumbozo said, “and they think just because the First Amendment protects their right to go into an event and make a protest that they can into an event and make a protest? Bullshit. Sure, maybe it’s sorta Trump’s campaign’s fault for essentially making the event an open free-for-all where anyone could reserve tickets online, but I also blame the media, George Soros, and of course the Divider in Chief, Barack HUSSEIN Obummer.”
Mr. Palumbozo told our reporter that he doesn’t feel conservatives need to wear special badges if they protest a Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton rally for one simple reason.
“Our white sheets and pointy hoods make us stand out in a crowd already,” Marcus told us, “but those libtards are sneaky. They look just like a regular, non-libtarded person! You’d think all that evil blood pumping through their government-addicted veins would make them look like the horrible monsters that they are on the inside on the outside. But maybe Rush Limbaugh isn’t right about everything after all…oh, what am I saying? It’s probably the libtards’ faults.”
A spokesman for the Trump campaign told us that they thought Marcus’ ideas were “the kinds of yoogely yooge ideas that American patriotic patriots come up with when they are inspired by yoooge winners.”
“We will contact our textile partner in China and ask them to start work on the liberal patches,” Trump campaign Deputy Assistant Media Liaison Mitch Mitcherson told reporters in Ohio on Monday, “but in the meantime our supporters should stay calm but vigilant. If you see a libtard, call over one of our special, brown-shirted security detail and they will be quickly whisked away so our supporters don’t have to wrestle with just how unpopular we all are to non-violent, non-sociopaths everywhere.”
Trump is currently the odds-on favorite to win the Republican nomination.