HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell is devout supporter of President Donald Trump, and he’s not afraid to tell anyone, including the audience of his modestly successful podcast, I’m Biased In All The Right Ways. This week, Mr. O’Connell said he was “shocked and angered” by a joke told by comedian Stephen Colbert on his “Late Show.” Colbert made headlines when he pilloried Trump during a monologue on his show in which he wound up calling the president Vladimir Putin’s “cockholster.”
“Now, call me crazy,” Clem said, “but I do not remember this level of utter contempt and disrespect ever shown to a single Democrat president. Not a one.”
Mr. O’Connell believes that Republicans were “tough but fair” on both Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama.
“Sure, we went after Slick Willy for putting his slick willy where we didn’t like,” Clem admitted, “and yes, we maybe kept a racist lie about Obama’s birth certificate going for years and then literally elected his most racist antagonist, but that was just us being tough but fair. Colbert was a foul-mouthed jerk, though. Fuck him.”
Clem says that he feels about Colbert’s joke much the same as he felt about the Dixie Chicks slamming George W. Bush during the first few weeks and months of the Iraq War.
“Unamerican hogwash,” Clem shouted, “and a time when we should rally behind Trump just like we reluctantly rallied behind the Secret-Kenyan-Communist-Sharia Loving-Gun Hating-America Destroying-BLACK DEMOCRAT Obama.”
The Oval Office, Clem argues, should be a “space of safety” for Trump. He believes that “every president has a right” to lead as he or she sees fit, without “too much insult and mocking” from his or her opponents. That’s just not American, Clem says.
“I should say of course,” Clem said, “that only Republicans are entitled to this safe space, okay? We all know that the founding fathers very specifically did not consider the Democratic Party legitimate. That may or may not be because it didn’t exist at the time, but that’s really a minor point, isn’t it?”
In the end, Clem believes that the country will rally around Trump because he’s “rich, white, and successful.”
“And sure,” Clem conceded, “he’s not as rich as he claims, he’s actually orange tinted, and his definition of success depends on an extremely broad set of parameters to measure it by, but you know…that’s just how it works in America these days, if you know what I mean.”
The Late Show could not be reached for comment because we didn’t ask them for one because this story is as fake as the outrage on both the right and left about Colbert’s joke…which was just a fucking joke, people.
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