FELCH SPRINGS, OHIO — When die-hard Trump supporter Johnathan Cornbottom heard the news that President Trump was going to embark on his first trip abroad since being sworn into office, he says he was a little nervous and concerned. Over the past few months, Cornbottom says he’d grown accustomed to reading the “crazy shit Trump tweets,” and he has particularly grown fond of the commander in chief’s “love of trolling people.”
“I mean, what is more American, what is more presidential,” Cornbottom rhetorically asked at a recent meeting of his local chapter of the Three Percenters, “than mocking, insulting, and trolling the other side of the aisle. Sure, we accused Obama of doing that just by waking up a Democrat every day, but boy does it feel good to see a man with the leadership skills to poke libtards in the eyes.”
But, Cornbottom says, the whole time that Trump was gone on his trip that took him to the Middle East and parts of Europe, something just “seemed amiss” to him.
“There wasn’t a single crazy tweet,” Cornbottom said, “I mean, not really. He was too busy touching that glowing orb thingy, or shoving other heads of state out of the way to get a better spot in a photograph. That’s cool, and I love seeing globalist cucks getting cucked and all, but I boy howdy have I grown accustomed to the batshit crazy stuff Trump tweets, and there just wasn’t any of it.”
When Trump came back to the U.S. after his trip, however, Cornbottom says his heart “immediately soared.” Trump’s first few tweets after his trip attacked the media, U.S. allies, and Democrats. He was back, both literally and figuratively in Cornbottom’s mind.
“But the best tweet was the covfefe tweet,” Cornbottom said, “I just loved it. Sure, it made him look rushed and more than a little stupid. But it was just the exact kind of nonsensical bullshit I’ve looked forward to since he was elected, and was starting to crave on his trip. But I just gotta say, it’s so great to have him tweeting crazy shit from home once more.”
Cornbottom hopes that President Trump will not “bow to libtard pressure” and curb his tweeting habits any time soon. He said that “globalist cucks” might have a problem with a sitting president bullying media outlets, or “singling out some companies as good over others,” but he says that “true red blooded, ammo hoarding patriots” don’t. In fact, he said that tweeting in any other way will probably cost Trump the election in 2020.
“We didn’t elect no sissy, safe space needing beta male,” Cornbottom said, “but then again libtards have been awful mean to him. That Kathy Griffin thing was atrocious. Can you imagine if conservatives had done that kind of thing to Obama.”
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Just then, our reporter noticed a burned dummy in the corner of the room that seemed to have a melted Obama mask on its face. She asked Cornbottom about it, and he demurred.
“That’s um, you know different,” Johnathan said, “because you know, reasons and stuff. And liberty. And freedom. And patriotism. And Republicans.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.