Trump Supporter: His Cousin Convinced Him to Get Vaccinated By Withholding Sex

FT. IVERMECTIN, KENTUCKY — For months, the Biden administration has grappled with how, exactly, to convince millions of Americans to get a COVID-19 vaccine. Despite their best efforts, vaccination became politicized with the help of former President Don Trump and his supporters on the Hill, casting doubt on the efficacy and need for Americans to receive a vaccine.

The data seems to indicate that those living in red states have the higher propensity toward vaccine hesitance. Perhaps, though, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the Biden administration, and pro-MAGA Americans might still yet be able to be convinced to take the jab. The story of Chad Cornfedd, a man living in a small, rural Kentucky coal mining town, might just be compass Biden needs.

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“Very honestly, now that I’m vaccinated, I do feel a little more relief bein’ out in public. I mean, just because I believe in my heart of hearts that COVID is a Democrat hoax, perpetrated on Good King Don Trump by the Democrats and their evil allies all around the world, that don’t mean I wanted to end up like my Uncle Danny and die from the hoax,” Chad told White Nationalist Weekly in a recent interview.

Cornfedd swears that getting a vaccine wasn’t on his radar, and he never would have, if not for his cousin “playing hard blue balls” with him.

“We was at Thanksgiving, and that’s usually, historically speaking now, where me and Kim would hook up, but this year she says to me that she doesn’t wanna be back on a ventilator again, and that if I wanna hook up, I need to get a vaccine,” Chad told the interviewer.

This enraged Chad, he said, because his cousin knew his beliefs and stance on vaccination, and he tried several times to convince her to remove her ultimatum. Alas, though, he was unable to get his cousin to budge off her demand.

“I begged, I pleaded, I cried. I told her she was turning me into a soyboy beta cuck loser sheep, and none of it worked! She just wouldn’t give it up unless I gave in,” Chad said.

Finally, after two weeks without sex with his cousin, Chad relented, and got his vaccine.

“After I went down to the CVS and got my shot, I brought my card to Kim and showed her. She said that since I had gotten a little prick, I could give my little prick to her,” Chad divulged.

While he says he didn’t have side effects that were “much to speak about,” and he feels generally fine, Chad said he’s still skeptical of the vaccine.

“My phone still only does up to 4G, which pretty much proves what a lie this whole thing has been, right from the get-go,” Chad insisted.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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