Trump Supporter Confused That Going Without New Cell Phone Didn’t Stop His Pancreatic Cancer

HAMPSTEAD, ALABAMA — Jethro “Corn Pone” Stephenson is 45 years old and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the end of 2016. A conservative Trump voter, Jethro says that even when he got the diagnosis he wasn’t worried at all. Friends suggested he jump on the federal exchange and find himself health insurance fast, before the current administration could potentially dismantle preexisting condition coverage, but Mr. Stephenson Demured.

“I said, ‘Fuck no, I ain’t takin’ no commie insurance,'” Jethro told his podcast audience Wednesday morning, “Corn Pone don’t go like that, y’all know how I do. I had faith. In Trump We Trust, as the gorgeous, sexy, talented, and not-at-all racist bag of bones riding a broom handle Ann Coulter wrote in her epic tome of a book last year.”

Corn Pone admits he was getting a little nervous that in the first couple of months of Trump’s presidency an Obamacare replacement hadn’t been rolled-out yet. He said that he had been getting “anxious, nervous, and worried” with each passing day. He couldn’t bring himself to enter the exchanges created by President Barack Obama’s healthcare law, but he knew his cancer was spreading.

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Then, a miracle in the form of Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz materialized, or so Corn Pone thought.

“So I turn on my TV,” Corn Pone explained, “and I see that lovely rat-faced Mormon guy from Utah on it. And he’s telling me all the things I gotsta hear! He says the new Trumpcare plan is great, and it just might mean we Americans have to choose between an iPhone and healthcare. Man was I stoked!”

So, Corn Pone says that he decided not to renew his cell phone contract and keep his four year old iPhone. Corn Pone said he has no problems going without a new phone, especially if it means he’ll get his cancer treated, eventually.

“Sure, I might have to save up a shit load of money for copays, and my insurance carrier might drop me because they no longer have to keep me even if I’m not profitable in their eyes,” Jethro said, “but if ditching my phone is all I have to do to get health care I can afford, then I’ll for it.”

But, shortly after making the decision not to get a new phone this year, Corn Pone was devastated to find out his scrimping and frugality had no impact on his cancer.

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“The doctor did his thing and came back and told me that shit’s spreading, and spreading fast,” Corn Pone said, “and it makes me wish I could just go and get the care I need, and the bill would be taken care of through my taxes I pay or whatever, it was just be simpler and easier, and I bet cheaper because we’d be negotiating rates in bulk. All I know is that my cancer’s spreading, and it doesn’t seem like skipping a new phone had any impact on my ability to get treated, or even pay for insurance premiums I still can’t afford.”

Jethro has been given four months to live. Doctors, say, however, that since Trump took office, time has moved in Dog Years, so it will feel like an eternity to Jethro until the sweet release of death takes him.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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