Trump Supporter Can’t Wait to Hear What He Calls a Democrat

SMITHVILLE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Marcus Palumbozo loves Donald Trump and wants him to “go all the way to the White House” in November. While some who support Trump might have changed their minds after watching Donald Trump essentially call Ted Cruz a “pussy” in New Hampshire, Palumbozo says that just made him want to vote for Trump “even harder.”

“I like a guy who says whatever is in his brain at the time, regardless of context or anything,” Palumbozo said, “and it’s not like Trump directly called Cruz a pussy. He just repeated what that woman said and fake chastised for her, showing through sarcastic chiding that he totally agrees with her.” Mr. Palumbozo said that what really gets him “fired up” about Trump though, is the thought of what might happen if he started insulting the Democrats, instead of tearing apart the GOP from the inside.

“I’m a lifelong Republican,” Palumbozo said, “and I know if he can rip Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, and Ted Cruz to shreds, he can do the same thing to the Democrats, and he will…any day now, I’m sure.”

Palumbozo told our reporter while he will vote for the Republican nominee,  no matter who it is, but that he really hopes Trump is there in November.

“We need a man like Trump in the White House,” Palumbozo said, “because being a loud-mouthed, arrogant, insulting asshole is just the American way. Ask anyone from another country what they think of Americans, and most likely they’ll give you a version of that description anyway. So why not put the guy in the Oval Office who most closely embodies that spirit of schoolyard bullying and hubris-coated word salad?”

On his Facebook page, “Being an Obsolete Liberal,” Palumbozo wrote a Facebook post this week in which he encouraged other conservative Republicans to rally around Trump.

Donald Trump is the only option for us. We need someone so in love with himself that he doesn’t care who he insults, even if he insults our party and our politicians right to their faces. We need a rude, arrogant leader in the White House. We need an even douchier Richard Nixon. That is the only way to get our country back on the right path, I am sure of it.

“What I want,” Palumbozo said, “is a return to 19th century economic and social ideas. Why? Because I’ve been convinced by people who revised history that those were the best times in our country’s past. I was taught the Gilded Age was good for America. I was taught that unions had nothing to do with getting 40 hour work weeks, paid vacation, or anything good for the working class. I was told that Social Security is a Ponzi Scheme that will collapse any day now, despite never missing a single payment in like seven decades. So I don’t know about other Republicans, but I’ve been preconditioned to not even really listen to what comes out of their mouths, and instead focus on buzzwords and tone.”

Ultimately, Palumbozo said he “doesn’t care” what Trump says, as long as “eventually he picks on Democrats too.” With just a few months left before the Republican National Convention, the race for their nomination is still wide open, though Trump continues to dominate in many polls.

“I like that he insults people equally,” Palumbozo said as the interview was ending, “whether it’s Megyn Kelly or Ted Cruz. We Republicans admire asshole-ishness in a president. And since the GOP establishment has trained us to hate all politicians and all government, why are they shocked when we are entertained by them eating each other alive?”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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