Trump Suggests Only People Who Voted For Him Should Have First Amendment Rights

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Hot on the heels of a tweet that set off yet another storm of media coverage, concern, and outrage from all over the world by implying he’d support stripping protesters who burn the American flag of their citizenship, President-Elect Donald Trump doubled-down on his rhetoric.

“Let me just say this, okay,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower apartment, “I’m the president guy now. And if you read the Constitution, and believe me I’ve read the entire thing at least six hundred million times, literally, and so I know this is true. In fact I had the best constitutional lawyers I could buy check me on this so all you egghead libtard lawyer-types can blow me if you don’t like this. But anyway, the point is I’m going to use the powers the Constitution gives the president to make it so that only people who voted for me can have the First Amendment. Okay?”

The press corps were shocked. They couldn’t quite believe what they were hearing. After a moment of perplexed inner-turmoil, one reporter finally got up the gumption to ask on what authority Trump would make such a decree.

“Isn’t the point of the Constitution that anything the president says goes,” Trump asked. He genuinely wanted to know the answer to the question, it seemed. “Because that’s what my people told me,” Trump continued, “and my people never lie to me. Why would they lie to me and tell me exactly what it is I want to hear? I mean, am I a super-wealthy, super-powerful man? Sure. Would have the means to hire nothing but a team of Yes Men and Yes Women? Sure. But that’s not the point is it? No, really is it? I kind of lose track of my thought if I talk for more than a few seconds at a time. Who wants muffins? I love muffins!”

Trump could sense he was losing his audience, so he tried one more time to explain his position in a way everyone would understand. He sniffed deeply, cleared his throat, and grabbed the podium’s microphone by its flexible cord. He spoke loudly and with great hubris.

“So, the president is appointed by the people, right,” Trump asked rhetorically, pausing approximately two nanoseconds before continuing, “and the people are the voters. The voters who voted for me, picked the next President of the United States of America. I’m for them. They’re America. The real America. The gun toting, ammo hoarding, red blooded, meat eating, anti-LGBT, Islamaphobic, scared, snookered, cheated, bamboozled patriots of this great nation. They’re the only American citizens I will recognize, the ones who voted for me. The others? Well, they didn’t vote for me. And you know what I say to the ones who didn’t vote for me? Well, I’ve been practicing sounding more presidential so, let’s just say, FUCK THEM.”

President-elect Trump lost the popular vote by the second largest margin in U.S. history. His Electoral College victory margin was less than both Obama and Bill Clinton terms.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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