WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump, in an attempt to defuse the mounting tensions throughout the country as it debates whether or not NFL players should stand, kneel, or otherwise participate in National Anthem ceremonies before games, suggested to reporters there may need to be a Constitutional solution employed.
“I was sitting on the shitter last night,” Trump said, digging into a box of gravy smothered doughnuts in the Oval Office while speaking to reporters, “and I had a thought. This thought might’ve been the bigliest yet! If the problem with these urbans taking a knee is that they have the same rights in the Constitution we non-variants have, then maybe we need to fix the Constitution.
Trump’s proposed solution — reduce the Constitutional rights of black athletes by 40%.
“The nerds and geeks in the other room crunched some numbers for me, and as it turns out, if we just reduce black athlete constitutional freedoms by two-fifths, we’d be able to simply arrest them for kneeling,” Trump said, “and then bing-bang-boom, problem solved.”
President Trump said he believes NFL players should stand and show respect to the flag during the national anthem, and that the Constitution is a “deeply flawed document” if it gives “uppity urbans a chance to make white people think when they don’t want to think.”
“What kind of crazy document gives urbans the right to protest whites,” Trump asked rhetorically, “as if they have the freedom to use their speech how they want, or to express it how they choose? Don’t they realize they’re the minority? And we all know in this country the majority wins…unless the Electoral College is involved. Then the loser wins.”
Trump took a moment to look in a full-length mirror and smile at himself. He winked, and a trumpet from the bowels of Hell could be heard somewhere off in the distance.
“So all I’m saying is that we fix the Constitution,” Trump said, “and what’s the point of having an amendment process if we’re not going to use it?”
Trump insists this proposal is “not racist in any way, shape, or form, no matter what the FAKE NEWS media says.”
“You know how I know it’s not racist,” Trump asked before answering himself, “because I’m not saying all urbans. I’m saying SOME urbans. Just like my Muslim ban isn’t really a Muslim ban because it only bans Muslims from SOME countries, not ALL Muslims. See? Totally the same, and I’m never a lying sack of orange diarrhea or anything.”
Reached for comment, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he’d “burn and incinerate [his] favorite white sheets” if it meant Congress would pass Trump’s proposal.
“Now, I’m just a simple little cookie making elf,” Sessions told us, “and while my southern drawl sounds congenial, it obscures the fact that I’m a virulent, horrific racist. So this, quite frankly, makes my little, tiny heart go pitter-pat.”
This story is developing.