WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of his single term as president, Donald Trump has gotten the American people quite used to “unorthodox,” “unprecedented,” “untraditional,” and “bat shit stupid crazy” being used as adjectives to describe his actions. This morning, Trump did it again. This time, he’s become the first person to ever sue their own presidential campaign.
“Today I filed suit in the Burrito Supreme Court against the Donald Trump Re-Election Campaign,” Trump announced from the White House balcony, showering reporters below with high-velocity spittle and chunks of doughnut. “Because I am very, very, very unhappy with the results. Even though I know I won, somehow, I lost. But apparently the Burrito Supremes are real extra-cucky about just deciding the election for the people, and they’re gonna let the elections result stand because it was run the same way it’s always run and I’m just a sore loser bitch.”
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Trump had run out of breath at this point in his complaining and stopped to have a moment to himself. Reaching into his jacket’s left breast pocket, he pulled out two KFC drumsticks. With quick motions, he slid each drumstick, one at a time, into his mouth, pulled and sucked the meat and cartilage off, and pulled each bone out of his mouth. A “trick” he said his “sexy Ivanka” taught him how to do.
“The bottom line here is a very simple one. I asked those pieces of shit who ran my campaign a very simple question,” Trump stated, “Why’d you all pick such a fuckin’ loser?! I mean, if I had known they were gonna back a loser who couldn’t even win the popular vote once in his two tries, I probably wouldn’t have let them run the campaign! They clearly have no idea how to pick winners! SAD!”
President Trump is suing his campaign for “doing permanent damage” to his “strong and bigly reputation as a winner.”
“Did they not fucking hear me say how much of a winner I am the last four years? Give me a damn break,” Trump said with exasperation leaking from every syllable.
Apparently, Trump thinks that his campaign could have and should have chosen from “any one of the half dozen other guys” he suggested to them.
“Why didn’t they talk to John Barron? I hear his dong-wanger is normal and he is a good guy,” Trump pondered. “Or why come they didn’t have David Dennison run? Everybody lives him! But no! They had that piece of shit Donald Trump run, and look what happened! I FUCKING LOST!”
It’s unclear at this time whether the president knows who he is.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.