Trump Says He’s “Disappointed and Offended” He Wasn’t Asked To Be In “It” Remake

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A reboot of the classic Stephen King written horror film “It” will be released later this year. Yesterday, the Internet was set abuzz with the release of the very first trailer for the film. In the White House, however, there was reportedly no excitement, but rather equal parts disappointment and insult, after the trailer was viewed by Co-President Trump.

“Wait, they made a movie about a fucked-up, dangerous clown who smells and looks like he lives in a sewer, and they didn’t even ask me to be  in it,” Trump was heard bellowing in the Oval Office, “fuck that shit, and fuck those, you know, SHLOMO types in Hollywood for not casting me.”

Trump, visibly angered, picked up the phone and dialed an international number.

“Hi, yeah, it’s me, Comrade Orange,” Trump said, “I gotta call off the party tonight. I know. I know. I’m sorry. I just can’t get into anything right now. Not even pee pee parties. Sad!”

Aides say that Co-President Trump spent the better part of an hour pacing the Oval Office and screaming. At various times he’d pull a small mirror out of the desk drawer, hunch over it, and a large sniffing sound could be heard. Wiping his nose incessantly, Trump insisted he should have “at least been given an audition.”

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“Who’s the scariest, most deranged, craziest clown terrorizing Americans today,” Trump demanded of his staff, “if it’s not me? Couldn’t those, you know, those, TYPES out there in Jew-lyWood given me a shot? Just an audition. I mean, I always hear people calling me various forms of shit these days, and if you drop the ‘sh’ from ‘shit,’ you get ‘It.’ It’s so simple even one of my supporters could get it. ”

Finally, Trump’s people were able to get him to calm down enough to take the same sedative he takes before big speeches where he has to look somewhat calm and rational. Reportedly, it was the same one he took before his joint congressional session in February. After he had relaxed to normal levels of paranoia and confusion, staffers were able to buoy the president’s mood by telling him he could still be in big Hollywood reboots, he just had to write the scripts.

“You know, that’s a friggin’ bigly great idea,” Trump said, “I’ve always wanted to re-do ‘The Jerk.’ I feel like that one is tailor made for me. Maybe we change the name to something more me, though, yeah? Like…’The Asshole.’ Yeah. That’s the ticket. ‘The Asshole,’ starring Donny ‘Big Hands’ Trump!”

The Asshole is slated for a continuous, four year theatrical release, unless by some miracle it’s thrown out of theaters before that time is up.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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