Trump Starts Bashing Hillary with Crude Stick Figures

NEW YORK, NEW YORK – At a fundraising dinner, billionaire real estate mogul, former reality-TV star, and current Republican presidential front runner Donald J. Trump told those in attendance that he was pledging to tone down his rhetoric against both his fellow Republican rivals and Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton.

“Some people have said I use sexist terms to describe women,” Trump said, “and that I use insensitive terms to describe minorities, disabled people, LG-BLT people, you name it. All of that is true; winners don’t pull punches.” Mr. Trump – who made waves this week when said that Hillary Clinton had been “schlonged” by President Barack Obama in 2008’s Democratic Primary after he spent a few moments discussing her bathroom break during the last Democratic Debate broadcast on CNN – said that while he can be “sympathetical” to their complaints, he believes “only yooge, yooge losers” care about being insulted, judged and generalized about over their religion, gender, or sexual orientation.

Trump then told his audience he decided to “shut [his] critics up” about his rhetoric by showing he could “mop the floor with Hillary without speaking a single word.” That’s when he walked over to a large easel with a massive drawing pad on it, reminiscent of a game of Pictionary or Win, Lose, or Draw. He took out a large marker, and then put his fingers to his lips, in the universal shushing gesture, calming the crowd down to the point that a whisper would be heard throughout the room.

The Donald then spent the next two minutes silently sketching two figures. One was labeled “Me” and it sported what most witnesses said was an attempt at hair, a tuxedo, and a walking cane. The other stick figure was just a very small dot for a head, some tightly coiffed blonde hair, a triangle for a dress, and what his campaign later described as “stink fumes” coming from her posterior region, with the words “Poopy But [sic] Hillary” drawn under it.

Then Trump simply put his left hand over the Hillary stick figure, putting all his fingers down except the middle one. Then he took the marker and traced a line around his outstretched middle finger. He finished off his drawing by writing “Benghazi?!” over the outline of his finger, to which the room of Republican donors responded with thunderous applause, prompting Trump to drop the marker, fold his arms across his chest for a brief moment, and then walk off the dais, a full 20 minutes before his speech was scheduled to finish.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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