Trump Threatens To Stamp His Feet, Hold His Breath Until Congress Rips Healthcare From The Poor

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On twitter this morning, President Donald Trump seemed to signal to the country that if congressional Republicans cannot get a bill passed that repeals and replaces Obamacare, that the entire government should shut down over it, rather than reach an agreement to keep it funded while more negotiations take place. An obviously upset Trump tweeted that if the Senate doesn’t end the filibuster completely, that a “good ‘shutdown'” is what’s in order.

Anonymous sources from within the White House are telling the media that now, Trump’s threats have gotten much more severe. According to several eye witnesses, Trump called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) into the Oval Office to coerce them into passing a bill that would end Obamacare and replace it with Trump’s alternative plan, which many have noted could rip healthcare access away from millions of Americans.

“If you don’t get this bill passed and on my desk by the end of the day,” Trump howled at McConnell and Ryan, “then I’m…I’m…I’m gonna hold my breath and stamp my feet until you do!”

Trump told his fellow Republicans that when he was growing up and honing the skills as “the world’s greatest negotiator and closer,” sometimes he’d hit an impasse with his parents. In those times, he developed what he called a “tried and true” method for getting what he wants. He was putting that method on full display for them, the president told Ryan and McConnell.

“It’s not fair,” Trump yelled, “it’s not fair! Mommy and Daddy told me I’m special and wonderful, like a snowflake! I’m a unique snowflake! Daddy really liked that analogy because it made us seem even whiter! They told me I could get anything I want, and that was before I was supreme emperor president. Now give me what I want and rip away healthcare from those goddamned fuggin’ freeloading poor people plebs!”

Though it’s unclear whether Trump’s new tactics will prove fruitful, witnesses say Ryan and McConnell tried to reassure the president that they’re on his side.

“Hey, we’ve been dying to show the country what good, clean, morally upstanding, ammo hoarding Christians we are,” McConnell told Trump, his eyes even wetter than usual, his drawl even slower, his breath smelling even more of flies and lettuce, “for years now! That last dark skinned fella who was in this office wouldn’t let us though.”

Ryan nodded his head.

“Yeah, man,” Ryan said, doing arm curls with a free weight absent mindedly, “it’s like, I read Ayn Rand. I know what’s up. I want to punish the poor, just like Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, would want me to do, okay? Back off, President Bro!”

As McConnell and Ryan left, Trump told them he’s got even more ideas up his sleeves.

“I might throw all my toys out of Air Force One,” Trump said, “or I might play hooky from golf and work in the Oval Office! You never know. But I will get my way, boys, I WILL GET MY WAY!”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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