Trump Orders Spicer to Remove James Comey from White House Microwave’s Speed Dial

AIR FORCE ONE — Following his explosive testimony in which he implied that he believes President Trump is giving to lie, James Comey has been removed the White House microwave’s speed-dial.

Several senators on the Senate Intelligence Committee asked Mr. Comey why he felt the need to write down memos after each interaction with the president, and each time Comey indicated that he did so to ensure that the truth was on the record. Reportedly, while flying back to the nation’s capital after a visit to Ohio, an angry President Trump ordered Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary, to remove Comey’s name from the microwave’s speed dial.

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“Get that son of a bitch out of my life,” Trump said, tears forming in his eyes, “He called me a liar! How dare he call me a liar. I was just talking to the ghost of Ronald Reagan, and he said that I’m not a liar. You can ask anyone I keep on my payroll, and they’ll tell you I’m not a liar, that I’m perfect. I mean, why else would I pay them?”

Spicer was at first confused.

“But, sir,” Spicer said, “I thought the microwaves were just spying on us. We can call people on them now?”

Trump barked back at Spicer, obviously upset and unnerved.

“Of course you can, Spicer,” Trump yelled, “Obama’s were just spycrowaves. I had them fitted to be phones too. So now? They’re better. Way better. Bigly better, you could say.”

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Mr. Spicer then told Trump that he couldn’t reprogram the microwaves while they were in the air. Trump wasn’t having that as an excuse. He sharply told Sean to “parachute your ass” back to D.C. ahead of Air Force One and make the changes.

“But, sir, I…how can…I mean we’re still thousands of miles away from D.C. and you’ll get there before me, I can’t break the laws of physics sir,” Spicer pleaded. Trump still insisted. The president pointed a stubby finger at a parachute that Spicer for some reason hadn’t seen there before.

As of publication, Mr. Spicer could be seen floating somewhere above Pennsylvania, flapping his arms and trying in vain to get to D.C. before his parachute took him all the way down to the ground. This story is developing and will be updated if and when Spicer gets back to the White House.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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