Trump To Sign Executive Order Declaring Civil War “A Tie” And Mar-A-Lago The Official Southern White House

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — Over the weekend, Sub-President Donald Trump tweeted that he’d be “having many meetings” at his estate in Florida called Mar-A-Lago. Except Trump didn’t call his luxury result by name, and instead he referred to it as “The Southern White House.” Many pundits perked their ears up at this potential dog whistle message for Southern conservatives who are still supporters in some way or another of the Confederate cause.

This morning, while out on a coffee and doughnut run, Trump told reporters who caught up with him that come Monday, he will sign a new executive order pertaining to the White House, as well as the Civil War.

“For far too long in this country,” Trump said, “we’ve treated our confederate brothers and sisters with disdain. I ask you, does the fact that these people wanted to start a whole new, separate country just so they could own a few urbans really mean they’re racist? I’m the least person racist in my cabinet, and let me tell you folks, it’s not racist to be pro-slavery. It’s just good business sense. But anyway, hey, I wasn’t president back then. Some douche in a big hat was. So he handled things a little differently than me, no big whoop.”

On Monday, Trump said he plans to “do a little something” about that fact though.

“I’m going to be signing an order that officially declares Mar-A-Lago here as the Southern White House,” Trump said, “because it’s been far, far too long since the South had it’s own capital, don’t you think? And I’m also going to just go ahead and officially declare the Civil War a tie.”

When asked, Trump said he thinks the nation “never really healed its wounds” from the Civil War, and that “all the urbans out there constantly reminding us” that the progress of the Reconstruction Age wasn’t fully completed with the Civil Rights movement. Mr. Trump said “just calling it even” for the Civil War will “help mend the open, gaping wounds of proud southerners everwhere.”

“We will never forget what the Confederacy stood for,” Trump said solemnly, “and that’s why we wave our confederate flags to this day. And if the un-American libtards would just get over the election and unite behind me, we could do great, bigly, tremendous things. Really, folks, tremendous things.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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