Trump Surrogate: Donald Was Just Sniffing Brains Back Into Skull During The Debate

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Throughout his first presidential debate with Democratic nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton, Donald Trump could be seen and heard audibly sniffing or sniffling, before, during, and after responding to questions. Initially this morning, Trump tried to pass off the sniffing as his being given a “defective” microphone, and several critics jokingly and not-so-jokingly implied that the alleged billionaire might have a cocaine addiction. Later this afternoon, however, Rep. Thom Thompaulsen, a red state lawmaker and Trump surrogate, offered a different answer to the media.

“A brain like Donald Trump’s is a very unique, special thing,” Rep. Thompaulsen told reporters at a scrum this morning outside the Trump Tower headquarters for the campaign, “and it’s not like a regular brain at all.”

Thompaulsen said that while Americans might understand what “most human brains” look like, they’ve probably never encountered a brain like Trump’s.

“It’s not gray and lumpy, it’s green and runny,” Thompaulsen said, “and his brain matter is so devoid of actual thought that it has a tendency to run right out of his nose. That means, especially in times of great stress and pressure, it tends to come leaking right out of his nostril.”

A postnasal brain drip is a very serious condition, Rep. Thompaulsen told reporters, and that means people shouldn’t “mock Donald for it like he mocks everyone over anything.”

“Sure, it might look to the untrained eye like Trump relied on old China White to give him alertness and a competitive edge,” Thompaulsen said, “but the actual explanation is so much simpler and more plausible, isn’t it? Donald Trump was simply nose-slurping his brain back into his skull during the debate. No big whoop, right?”

Rep. Thompaulsen also told reporters that any white residue found on Trump’s nose or upper lip was “probably from a Twinkie or something.” ‘

Reached for comment, the Hillary Clinton campaign responded by saying they were “not surprised to learn that Donald Trump’s brain is as abnormal as the thoughts within it are.” However, the Clinton camp did also warn the media and voters not to “get suckered into thinking anything remotely considered a thought enters Donald’s brain more than once or twice a week.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This