WASHINGTON, D.C. — Within hours of tweeting to the world that he calls his “own shots” and that his decisions are “largely based on an accumulation of data,” President Donald Trump signed a document that gives give his chief adviser “power of attorney and/or presidency” in his absence.
I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it. Some FAKE NEWS media, in order to marginalize, lies!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017
Pundits have begun to speculate that stories and tweets about Trump losing the popular vote and not really being the one to make decisions have started to wear on the alleged billionaire. In the Oval Office, while signing the power of attorney and/or presidency document, Trump said that was “all very untrue” and he was just reminding everyone that the only person they can trust is him.
“It’s really simple,” Trump said, “I’m the president and by law — my people tell me this is very true by the way — what I say is true, and I can legally recognize anything I want as fake, false, or lies. So, there you go.”
Trump said that even though he’s “really totally in full control” that he signed the document “just in case” he has to “go take a dump and while I’m gone we need to authorize a nuke strike or whatever.”
“I don’t want to be caught with my pants down while I’ve got my pants down,” Trump explained.
He went on to describe the order as “just a simple formality” because even though he “totally calls all the shots,” he always lets Bannon “put his seal of approval on it.
“I’m not saying that I don’t make every single decision myself because I’m grossly unqualified, tremendously unprepared, and in no way up to the task,” Trump said, “but if I were, wouldn’t it be good to have this in writing anyway? Besides, my lawyers tell me this is a great way to throw Steve under the bus during my impeachment trial. Whatever that means. I love peaches, and I don’t need a fucking court case to help me decide that.”
Though he said he “didn’t give any fucks” if Americans who didn’t vote for him get upset about this move, Trump said that there was one person in the world who he’d be really “devastated” to disappoint, and he’ll be working very hard to keep them from “losing faith” in their “arrangement.”
“Vlad Putin is a good friend of mine,” Trump said, “and he’s a tremendous leader. He’s alternatively moral. He’s alternatively upstanding. And he’s alternatively magnanimous and gracious and alternatively never has his political opponents murdered. I have a feeling he may raise an eyebrow at this, so I just want to make sure I smooth things over and he understands he shouldn’t lose faith in our little arrangement.”
Steve Bannon could not be reached for comment as he was too busy having his office in Hell relocated to the West Wing.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.