Trump Signs Order Giving All Who Fell In Bowling Green Massacre Double Purple Hearts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Friday morning, with top counsel Kellyanne Conway smiling nervously beside him, President Donald J. Trump used his executive powers to designate the “brave men” who died in the Bowling Green Massacre as recipients of a new medal he said he was “making up on the spot, Trump style.”

“For all the brave men who fought and died in the Bowling Green Massacre,” Trump said, “I am hereby authorizing them to receive Double Purple Hearts. A lot of people have single ones, but the ones I give are so important, so bigly, that they’re twice the size of normal Purple Hearts, and therefore, probably just a little bit better than the ones that were awarded under other, let’s say, BLACKER, presidential administration, yes?”

The Bowling Green Massacre, as all Americans surely know by now, was a terrorist attack carried out by C.O.B.R.A. — a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world — and perpetrated on the G.I. Joe’s home base. The Joe’s of course are America’s highly trained, secret mission force. Their purpose is to root out and destroy C.O.B.R.A. For decades, the Joes and C.O.B.R.A. were locked in a heated struggle, with the Joes usually coming out on top, as for some reason the only guns that seem to be able to hit anything are their guns.

But all that changed on March 32nd, 2013.

The attack started just before dawn. C.O.B.R.A. Commander and Destro, flying their own Night Raven jets, initiated an attack on the G.I. headquarters, in Bowling Green, Kentucky. With two hundred C.O.B.R.A. troops behind them, and the Dreadnaughts on standby for backup, C.O.B.R.A. Commander and Destro had the element of surprise on their hands.

However, early alarm systems triggered in the G.I. Joe base, and Shipwreck had been walking by the equipment when the alarm went off.

“Duke, Hawkeye, Lady Jay,” Shipwreck yelled out into the base’s telecom system, “C.O.B.R.A. is incoming, repeat, C.O.B.R.A. is incoming!”

Within moments, Joes were scrambled and their air defenses were activated. Over the next five hours, the fighting was furious. Even though the Joes managed to knock down the Night Ravens, they were simply overrun for long enough that for the first time ever, they suffered casualties.

“We are tremendously saddened to report the loss of the following Joes, who served their country and their teammates with honor and valor,” Duke told the press after the fighting had finally died down, “Clutch, Tripwire, Deep Six, Beach Head, and at least sixteen of those basic G.I. Joe soldiers that you’d always want your mom to buy a ton of so you’d have a massive army to fight with, have all perished in the line of duty.”

For years, conservative media outlets howled and wailed that the mainstream media didn’t cover the Bowling Green Massacre. Now, President Trump’s order will permanently enshrine the details of this harrowing fight in the annals of history for all time. Mr. Trump said he was “so very proud” to bestow the Double Purple Heart to those who lost their lives that day.

Spokespeople for G.I. Joe and C.O.B.R.A. could not be found.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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