WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, fans of the iconic film franchise Star Wars are celebrating the legacy of a movie series that spawned billions of dollars in box office and retail merchandise sales. The celebration within the fandom takes place every year on “May the Fourth,” a nod to one of the most memorable lines in the franchise, “May the Force Be With You.” Always one to attempt to insert himself into the national conversation and popular zeitgeist, President Donald Trump reportedly reached out to someone he believes is a “bigly yuge star” of the Star Wars movies, and congratulated him on being associated with such an important pop culture phenomenon.
“Bill! Billy Boy! How are you! It’s been a long time since we talked,” President Trump reportedly greeted actor William Shatner this morning. “Happy May the Fourth to you! Oh wait! Shit! I was supposed to say the thing all nerdy-like, hang on, I wrote it down somewhere.”
Trump began rifling through papers on the Resolute Desk, looking for the notes on his call to Shatner. When he’d heard that the country was celebrating Star Wars today, new White House Press Secretary Vapid McBlondie told reporters this afternoon, he knew exactly who he wanted to call and congratulate. Shatner and Trump have known each other for years, she says, from when they played on the Overly Smug and Self-Aggrandizing Celebrity Golf Tour.
“Let’s see…love letter from Kim Jong-un…nope that’s not it…love letter to Vlad Putin…that’s definitely not it,” Trump muttered as he looked for his notes. “Ah! Found it! There it is! Okay, here we go. I know being May 4th, I’m supposed to say this to look cool with with all the Star Whores nerds or whatever, so here we go…ready? Ready, Bill?”
The president didn’t wait for Shatner to respond before blurting it out.
“LIVE LONG AND MAY THE FOURTH BE TODAY,” Trump shouted triumphantly. “Nailed it! I totally nailed it. Shit yeah! Feels so good to be so right all the time. I just wanted to say that to you, Billy, and to really just bigly congratulate you on being involved in the Star Whores for so long! I’ve only been involved with Star Whores as long as my BEE-AY-YOU-TEE-FULL daughter Ivanka became a celebrity. But you? You, Bill! You’ve been involved with Star Whores a very long time.”
Shatner tried to thank the president while informing him that he had not, in fact, been the star of either Star Wars or Star Whores. However, in a truly uncharasteric development, Trump didn’t seem like he wanted to let Shatner speak, and instead would prefer to hear the sound of his own voice. Reaching into the desk, into a special drawer he had installed that keeps chicken nuggets and pizza warm for him, Trump removed a slice of pepperoni pizza, and started slicing it with a fork and knife, stuffing pieces of it into his face as he spoke.
“Not that I couldn’t have been in Star Whores if I’d wanted to. George Lucas told me once I was entitled to demand a part since it was my idea to even do the first one,” Trump boasted. “Yeah, a lot of people don’t realize it, but I gave Lucas the idea for it when he came over to my house once and saw me resting on a dais, eating frogs, and molesting a hot woman who wouldn’t have been there except I force her to be.”
Trump, thinking back to the day he met George Lucas, thought so hard he farted, which is a common occurrence, reportedly, when he thinks especially hard.
“He said when he saw me JABBERING away, it gave him the idea for some character or another. Prolly one of the handsome, big penised ones, I’d guess, who knows, Bill!”
The president laughed uproariously for a solid three minutes at his own joke.
“Okay, well I have to run now, Bill, you take care,” Trump said, adding an extended pregnant pause before finishing, “and LIVE LONG AND MAY THE FOURTH BE TODAY!”
Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.