WASHINGTON, D.C. — When it comes to losing vote counts, there is no bigger and more consistent winner than former President Toadstool Dick. In 2016, he lost the popular vote in bigly margins to Hillary Clinton, and because of an arcane, anti-democratic paradigm known as the “Electoral College” he was declared the victor and got to be president for four years. Last year, President Dick tried to go from the least popularly elected president with the lowest ever approval rating to a two term president. Much like his university, steak, bottled water, and casino endeavors, however, he failed in that effort quite spectacularly.
In last year’s election, while much was made about his ability to increase the number of votes he received over his first run, the fact of the matter was that Biden also increased the total share of Democratic votes by so much President Dick lost by nearly ten million votes. This means that in presidential contests, the former president is 0-for-2 in winning more votes than his opponent.
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This weekend, members of his political party helped the former president secure one more political victory by losing one more vote count.
“It was my honor and privilege to ensure that former President Toadstool dick lost this vote count but was found not guilty anyway,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (Q-NC) told NewsMax TV this morning. “While it’s true that every burp, fart, sneeze, and cough issued forth from a Democratic president should be and deserves to be scrutinized, we simply cannot hold former presidents responsible for things they did while still president, as long as they did them with less than a month left in their term. It’s the January exception, and we made it up for a reason, fam!”
Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) told Fox News today that “Republicans had a duty to keep the former president’s losing streak alive.”
“In doing so, we kept winning the Republican way,” Cruz explained. “By exploiting ridiculous loopholes, wilfully and incessantly ignoring reality, and smarmily grinning after abusing the rules to get us the outcome our violent, angry, mouth-foamy, cousin-fucking base wanted to see.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.