Trump to Hold Seance, Contact Dead Parents, and Ask Them to Make His Job Easier

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The West Wing is abuzz with activity as word is leaking that President Donald Trump has contacted fifteen of the world’s most famous psychics and mediums in order to get their help in conducting a seance to contact the spirits of his dead parents.

The hope, several sources placed highly within the White House say, is to ask them to make the presidency easier on their son, as they did with the rest of his life. Trump started his business empire using the reputation his father had built as a real estate tycoon, but he also relied heavily on his father’s fortune and backing. In a recent Reuters interview, President Trump indicated that he misses the freedom he had when things were simpler and he was just a garden variety trust fund racist with a middling reality-TV show, and he has come to see the presidency has a much harder job than he’d expected.

Sources in the White House say that interview put Trump in a reflective frame of mind, and he realized that all he needed was to have his parents fix everything and “make it all better for him,” one aide told us. He knew, however, this would be next to impossible, as both his parents have been deceased for quite some time. That’s when Kellyanne Conway contacted Ann Coulter, the Nazi Broomstick who is currently in a torrid love affair with Trump staffer and Transylvania’s favorite son, Stephen Miller, and asked her to put out the feelers to her fellow witches and warlocks, and Coulter suggested the White House get in contact with several other people who dabble in the dark arts and hold seances.

“The president understands that his job is not going to get any easier until his mommy and daddy come and hold him and tell him everything is going to be alright,” one staffer under the condition of anonymity told us.

Another aide said that while the disembodied spirits of his parents are there in front of him, President Trump may also make another request of them.

“I would not be surprised if the president asks his dad for some more money,” the aide told us, “because the other day I heard him saying something about Vladimir’s last check bouncing, but I could have been hearing things, too. It’s like an insane asylum around here, except the inmates are running it and a giant bag of orange diarrhea is calling the shots. Oh God, save me.”

At this time, it’s also being assumed that Trump will tell on all his critics in the press and on social media to his parents as well.

“He’s a spoiled rich kid who grew up in a fat, old, disgusting pig,” his daughter Ivanka was over heard saying to a staffer about her father, “but he still deserves to be treated kindly, doesn’t he? Doesn’t a bullying prick deserve respect too? So I hope Daddy tells on everyone to Gramma and Grampa; they’ll set everyone straight!”

This story is developing.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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