WIDOW’S PEAK, VIRGINIA — Tom Stumbleworth voted for Donald Trump in last year’s election for a number of reasons, but mainly, Stumbleworth recently told friends and family members at a barbecue he hosted, because he wasn’t “about to vote for someone under FBI investigation.”
Stumbleworth said that when FBI Director James Comey divulged that the FBI was investigating the use of a private email server by Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, it gave him “great pause.” But when Comey said the FBI was re-opening the investigation when new emails were found, even though those emails were very quickly discovered to be duplicate emails already reviewed, that was what settled it for him, and he didn’t want Clinton getting to pick who replaced the late Antonin “Demon Cock” Scalia on the Supreme Court.
“You know, I would have voted for her,” Tom told his uncle Joe, “because it’s not like I felt good voting for a reality-TV attention whore and a man so bad in business he’s filed bankruptcy on multiple occasions and is regularly sued for not paying people he hires to do work for him. But when I heard Republican after Republican tell me last year that nobody under FBI investigation should get to pick a Supreme Court justice, that made a lot of sense to me.”
Now that it has been confirmed by Comey that Trump is the target of an FBI investigation into whether or not his presidential campaign colluded with Russian hackers, Stumbleworth says he is “more confused than ever” and he’s not sure that Co-President Trump should get to choose a Supreme Court seat warmer either. Tom is concerned that if things don’t improve for Trump, even the GOP-controlled Congress might impeach him.
Tom said though it wasn’t his reason for voting for Trump, he also remembered Republicans arguing that in an election year, no president should get to choose the next Supreme Court Justice. Stumbleworth said to him, though, it’s “illogical” to let a man who might be impeached by the end of the year make such an important decision as well, and he wishes congressional Republicans would “put a pin” in Neil Gorsuch’s confirmation until the FBI probe is completed.
“I gotta be honest,” Tom told his cousin Cheryl while he got her a hot dog off the grill, “I wasn’t all that worried about Gorsuch when Trump picked him, but now I don’t know that he should even get a pick. Not if we go by the open FBI investigation rule all the Republicans were railing about last year.”
Tom said he’s confused by the behavior of many of those same Republicans over the last several days.
“So these are the same people who were telling us Crooked Hillary should be behind bars,” Stumbleworth said to his co-worker Paul, “and nowhere near the Oval Office picking Supreme Court judges. And now none of them are saying we should put a pin in Gorsuch’s confirmation? None of them are saying the same things about the president? It almost feels like they change their minds based on which party the person belongs to. But that would be not only partisan bullshit, but completely hypocritical…and Republicans aren’t ever hypocritical, are they?”
Just then, Bill Clinton walked in with Newt Gingrich.
“Hey, Bill, remember when I tried to impeach you for lying about a consensual blowjob,” Gingrich asked Clinton, laughing hysterically and slapping the former president on his back.
“Oh yeah,” Clinton said, laughing, “I remember.”
Gingrich kept laughing, wiping tears from his eyes.
“Well, the whole time I was leading a moralistic, puritanical sexual crusade against you,” Gingrich said, “I was fucking my now current wife behind my then wife’s back. Oh, and my second wife was sick at the time too. Crazy huh?”
Stumbleworth turned back to his co-worker.
“What was I saying,” Tom asked, “oh right, Republicans are never hypocrites. So anyway, I gotta think long and hard about this. Because every day it seems like we’re getting closer and closer to Trump being impeached, as much as they can’t seem to tell a single truth about communication with Russia. Oh man…what will I do?”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.