Trump: ‘I’ll prove I’m not a misogynist and charm the bitch outta’ Megyn Kelly

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Presidential candidate and current Republican frontrunner Donald J. Trump has agreed to do a sit-down interview with a reporter that many feel has become his top nemesis — Fox News’ Megyn Kelly.

Ever since the pair tangled in a Fox News-hosted GOP primary debate last year, there has been well-publicized bad blood between the two, and Trump even skipped a debate to protest Megyn’s moderator role. Trump told reporters at a press conference early this morning, however, that he is “excitable and yoogely hard-up” for the interview, and that he plans to show the world “how un-misogynistic” he truly is.

“I’m no misogynist,” Trump told the press outside his apartment building, “and I bet most women can’t even spell the word they’re accusing me of anyway. But all that doesn’t matter because I’m gonna charm the bitch outta Megyn and prove to the world how much I love the dames.”

Trump, who told reporters he couldn’t “jack jaw all day with them” because he was late for a Miss Universe luncheon and he didn’t “want to miss the young, hot broads doing their thing,” said that he was planning on being very prepared for the interview.

“I have all the answers. You want answers? I’ll give you answers,” Trump said confidently, “and I bet at least 10-15% of them will be right, 20-25% of them will sound right, and the other 80-100% of them will be considered correct by my supporters no matter what so who gives a flying fuck?” An aide whispered in his ear. “Sorry, I’ve been trying to be more presidentialified these days. I should have said, ‘Who gives a presidential fuck.’ My bad.”

Mr. Trump, when asked by the media, said that he has been “brushing up” on issues like foreign policy and constitutional law ahead of the interview. However, he also said hes’ been “boning up on Megyn herself.”

“I’ve been studying Megan in all the ways,” Trump said, “Google, Yahoo, Bing, Bong, Bang, and traditional public library microfiche archives. I’ve been boning up on Megyn herself, you bet. Any pictures or videos I could find of her, I’d watch and study very, very closely. I’m like, the best, at studying people. And I studied Megyn so hard. I studied her harder than I’ve studied any of my trophies — excuse me — wives.”

Reporters asked Trump if he realized it was sounding like he was sexualizing Kelly and objectifying her.

“What? Oh, please,” Trump shot back, “I’m studying her to see if I can learn her tells. You know, like poker. I want to know when a hard question is coming, or when I can expect softballs that make me look rational and sane to Republican voters.”

A pause.

“Then, and only then, after I was done doing the best research on anyone that’s ever been done,” Trump said, “then I jacked off to my study materials. But I did that for my supporters. They’d want me to, believe me.”

The interview between Trump and Kelly has no scheduled air date as of yet.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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