Trump Says He Was Depressed Not Being The One Blocking All The Light During Eclipse

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump reportedly told several aides and top advisers today that he felt “sad and out of sorts” during the total solar eclipse yesterday. This, he reportedly told his staff, is why he made the baffling decision to remove his special eclipse viewing lenses and stare right at the sun, against the advice of doctors and his own aides who were shouting, “Don’t look” at him.

“I was feeling sad and out of sorts yesterday, really for the last couple of weeks,” President Trump said, “and it all came to a head when I stepped out on the Truman balcony. I lost track of myself and decided to just stare at the sun, because even though it was damaging to my eyes, it couldn’t have been as damaging to my heart as the last week or so has been.”

Reportedly, aides asked him if he was starting to feel badly because of the pressures of his job. Trump smacked those questions down firmly. He flatly denied that was the case.

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“Of course not,” Trump said, “I don’t care what the plebs think about me. I’ve got a special, um, comrade in my corner.”

Again his staff pressed the president as to what was bothering him.

“It’s the damned eclipse,” Trump said, “It just got me in such a funk. You know?”

Trump explained that for a long time he was excited about the eclipse. He said the fact that “the black guy who lived here before” he lived in the White House “couldn’t make the sun friggin’ disappear” made him realize how much better he was at “presidenting the shit outta shit.” But, he said, a realization slowly came to him. A realization, Trump reportedly told his staff, made him “bigly sad.”

“I’m supposed to be the one blocking all the light in the country,” Trump said, “Not the moon! Who put that goddamned moon there anyway? Obama? It was Obama huh? I’d never even heard of one these lunar hair clip things until after he left office. Reallllly makes you think, huh? Makes you think they must’ve invented lunar hair clips in Kenya, is what it makes you think.”

Trump said he briefly considered ordering NASA to launch an emergency satellite to block out the sun ahead of the moon, to prove his superiority and importance.

“But those fuckin’ space nerds told me that they need a lot of advanced warning to shoot a rocket ship into space, and even if they didn’t, we don’t have a satellite large enough to do it,” Trump wailed.

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Sources say Trump was possibly fighting back tears as he described his feelings of inadequacy and failure.

“If I can’t even block out the sun better than Obama,” President Trump asked, “how can I consider myself any better than him? And we all CLEARLY KNOW AND AGREE COMPLETELY that I’m a better president than he was, right?”

The room fell silent.

“Right,” Trump repeated, but still the room was quiet.

Then, Trump farted. A loud, bassy fart with more than a hint of wetness behind it. Running the bathroom and clutching his rear-end, Trump dismissed everyone in a hurry.

“I gotta go folks,” Trump said, “I think I felt a little bit of my brain come out on that one.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: The end of this story seems to imply that Trump has shit for brains. This was intentional. Because it’s self-evident.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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