LAKE MORONITON, FLORIDA — Just hours after openly enlisting Russian hackers to break into Hillary Clinton’s email, Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump spoke at another rally and asked for more help in antagonizing Clinton.
“I want to ask every single Russian kid living in Russia to come to Crooked Hillary’s crooked neighborhood on her crooked street,” Trump said, “and start playing Ding-Dong-Ditch at her crooked house!”
Ding-Dong-Ditch is a game that is often played in suburban areas by tweens and teens. The game is simple — walk up to a house, ring the doorbell, and then run away before the door is answered. Trump’s invitation to Russian teenagers was immediately panned by the media and the Clinton campaign. However, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told reporters when asked that even though he thinks “that’s a horribly stupid and immature idea” he supports it.
“Look, playing Ding-Dong-Ditch is a horribly stupid and immature idea,” Ryan said, “but if you saw our convention last week, you’d know that Horribly Stupid and Immature was the theme, and we made sure to show everyone in America just how horribly stupid and immature our party and its platform is.” So Ryan says he’ll still vote for Trump in the fall because “Republicans.”
Mr. Trump insists that his recent remarks and taunting of Clinton by way of Russia is “just good politics.” He said that “the media and Crooked Hillary are just jealous they didn’t think of it first” and that “enlisting the help of foreign governments and rogue actors just makes good sense and shouldn’t worry anyone.”
“I have the best friggin’ political strategies,” Trump said, “the friggin’ best. So all these Crooked Democrats with their crooked candidate telling crooked lies can crooked kiss my ass! So what if it appears that I’m in bed with a government that abuses LGBT people and silences critics with violence and much, much worse? What’s worse — me getting cozy with Russia’s president who is an absolute garbage human, or Hillary Clinton being president?”
Asked for comment, Russian Vladimir Putin said that “the check’s already been cashed” in a very ominous tone, and that “Russian teenagers are free to Ding-Dong-Ditch anyone they want to” as long as they ask Putin for permission to leave the country first.
“Donnie and I barely know each other,” Putin said at a Kremlin press conference, “and we’ve only ever gone golfing together a couple times. Plus there was that ski retreat in the Alps and the little matter of a few million dollars being put into his bank account for reasons totally unrelated to the election and/or anything that happens after he’s elected. But Russian teenagers are free to ding-dong-ditch anyone they want to, provided I have given them permission first. Because you know, we’re freedom lovers in my administration here. As long as you’re free in the ways we want you to be. Americans have nothing to fear from me working with their giant, orange bag of diarrhea man.”
This is a developing story.