Trump: “What Was I Supposed To Do, NOT Hire Criminals With Deep Russian Contacts?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As it becomes clear that Robert Mueller will not finish his investigation into Russian interference during  the 2016 presidential election before the midterms, President Trump’s tweets about it have become more and more incendiary in nature.

After it was reported that two FBI informants had been in contact with the Trump campaign, ostensibly to investigate ties between it and the Kremlin, Mr. Trump began ramping up his attacks on what he calls the “Deep State” conspiracy of actors trying to bring his presidency down. The president is no stranger to conspiracy theories; his political career was launched on the back of a racist rumor involving former President Obama’s birthplace.

It’s not surprising to many, therefore, that Trump has begun to re-frame the efforts made by the intelligence community in 2016 to ascertain if Russia had embedded operatives in his campaign as yet another conspiracy theory.

RELATED: President David Dennison Orders Investigation Into ‘Dishonesty, Chicanery, And Subterfuge’ At FBI/DOJ

Trump’s tweets this week have been pointed and aimed directly at the top law enforcement officials he feels are conspiring against him. A curated selection of his tweets follows below.

Mr. Trump has taken to calling this story “SPYGATE,” even though that name has been commonly used to refer to a scandal in the NFL involving the New England Cheatriots.

This morning, Mr. Trump seemed to signal that he is aware of the reasons that the intelligence community, under the Obama administration, felt compelled to investigate his campaign, though he seemed to imply that he had no choice but to bring people on board his campaign with shady pasts.

“They were all freaking out because I kept hiring people with longtime connections to a hostile foreign government,” Trump admitted to reporters in the Oval Office. “But, let me ask you this — what was I supposed to do, NOT hire criminals with deep Russian contacts for my campaign?”

An incredulous Trump barreled forward.

“I mean, sure I could have heeded Obama’s warning about Flynn and not hired him,” Trump said, “and sure, Flynn could have just not lied to the FBI about contacting Russia. But, I mean, you know…things…stuff…MS-13…bigly…farts…I…don’t know man, I didn’t really wanna do this shit.”

Trump was fighting back tears.

“I just wanted NBC to give me a big, fat raise for the next season of The Apprentice,” the leader of the free world mused. “How the hell was I to know that people are so ignorant in this country that they’d elect a self-evident white collar crook and conman who was the butt of every joke for thirty years?”

Trump sighed, reaching into the Resolute Desk’s special hot drawer he had installed.

He removed a bucket of KFC, which the drawer is stocked with every morning, and started eating it, dabbing away tears. President Trump pushed the Diet Coke button on the Resolute Desk, and soon an aide brought a case of them to him. Cracking a Diet Coke open with a special device he uses to compensate for his fingers being too small to grip the can properly, Trump started speaking.

“I don’t know. All I wanted to do in life is stay rich, white, and die doing it with the woman I love most,” Trump said. “But even Ivanka seems to have soured on me these days, so I don’t know about that part of it. This presidenting thing sounded cool at first, but it’s been a pretty big drag, and I’m starting to think Mueller’s gonna kick the rock over on my entire criminal enterprise, and then what will I have left?”

Tears were flowing freely now. Trump heaved and sobbed. He sobbed so hard, in fact, that he farted, which seemed to snap him out of the funk he was in, surprisingly enough.

“Oh well now…what was I saying? Oh right,” Trump continued, drying the tears. “Deep State Crooked Benghazi Hillary Obama The Kenyan Socialism Communism Atheism Make America Great Again!”

Stephen Miller felt his pants tighten at that last part as he and Trump stared longingly into each other’s eyes and the faint sound of laughter deep from within the bowels of Hell could be heard in the distance.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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