Trump Hires Roger Ailes For Female Outreach-Around

NEW YORK, NEW YORK –The Donald Trump campaign has hired embattled former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes for pre-debate advice and counsel, as well as to perform duties as their “Chief of Female Outreach-Around,” according to reports from media sources.

“Roger’s the right guy for this team, there is no doubt about that,” Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower apartment building this morning, “and we’re really glad to have him on board to help prepare me for the debates.”

Trump said that in addition to the debate prep he’s doing with Ailes, he’s also getting “invaluable tips” on how to “get the ladies to like me.” Citing his less than stellar polling with female voters, Trump admitted that he knew he had to do something “unorthodox,” and so at his first pre-debate meeting with Ailes, he asked if the aging news executive would be interested in a “larger role” in the campaign.

“You gotta admit, no matter what the crooked press says, Roger has a way with women,” Trump said, “and you’re a big deal maker, you only work with the best. So we’re bringing Roger in as our official Chief of Female Outreach-Around.”

When asked what exactly the title means, Trump laughed, then drew a deep breath inward from the sides of his teeth.

“It means he’s not only going to conduct female outreach for the campaign,” Trump answered, “it means he’s going to reach around them too. You can’t scoop them up into your loving arms — whether they want it or not — with out first reaching around them, am I right? Or am I right? Right?”

In his estimation, Trump believes that hiring Ailes will be a clear signal to female voters that he’s listening to their concerns.

“I’m still going to be very dismissive of their concerns,” Trump said as a proviso, “but I’m hearing them complain about stuff when they’re outside their kitchens, no doubt about it.”

Ultimately, Trump feels a “deep kinship” with Ailes and sees him as a “rather kindred spirit.”

“We both want to fuck America,” Trump said, beaming, “it’s just that one of us would have to pay for it.”

Current polling shows Hillary Clinton with a commanding lead, even in key swing states, ahead of Trump’s first debate with her next month.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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