Trump Returns From Fishing Trip With Catch He Tells Media Is 900-lb. Shark

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Wearing a trucker cap that read, “Dick of all Dickery,” Co-President Donald J. Trump returned from a taxpayer-funded fishing trip with only a small minnow. He, however, told every person, especially news reporters, it was a giant, 900-pound shark.

“Isn’t this shark fuckin’ amazing,” Trump asked reporters from the press pool back the White House, “I caught it all by myself too! Like a big boy!”

Mr. Trump indicated that he, Actual President Steve Bannon, senior policy adviser Stephen Miller, and Press Secretary Sean Spicer had been on the fishing boat for just a matter of seconds when the line on his poll “tugged harder than Ivanka drunk and uninhibited at 3 am.”

“So I yanked back on that pole,” Trump said, “and I could tell that something massive, something really, really ferocious, was on the other side, okay? I mean whatever was pulling my line was even more powerful than the sinister deep state actors that Barack HUSSEIN Obama embedded in my royal court — excuse me, your government. Really bigly fish.”

Trump said that he “must have been yanking on that rod for twelve, maybe fifteen hours.” However, White House logs and press reports show that Trump had been gone from the White House for approximately two hours in total. When asked about that discrepancy by a reporter, Trump screamed, “FAKE NEWS” at the top of his lungs and didn’t answer the question. He did, however, unprompted, tell reporters that the trip took him to a nearby, historic river, and that he was impressed by it.

“I’ve never been fishing in the Potomac River,” Trump said, “until today. So gorgeous. Quite nice this time of year too.”

It was later confirmed, however, that Trump had been taken to what is known as a “trout farm,” where novice anglers go so there’s a higher chance of catching a fish. Trout ponds tend to be overstocked by their owners in an effort to assure that everyone who pays comes home with at least a fish or two. Somehow, though, Trump managed to only come home with a single, tiny minnow. The co-president, however, refused to concede that it was a minnow for his entire interaction with the press.

“It’s a shark okay, huge shark,” Trump said to a reporter from The New York Times, “and I’ve seen several news articles that said I caught a shark, so I’m sticking to it. Doesn’t matter if it’s self-evident how utterly full of shit I am, I’m going to cling to the notion I’m right.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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