Trump Expands Religious Freedom Executive Order to Include Segregated Water Fountains

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A day after he signed what his administration is calling an executive order to defend “religious freedom” in the United States, President Donald Trump expanded it. The order, which dictates that the Department of Justice find and draft new rules that protect religious organizations who participate in political activity, is largely seen as a swipe against LGBTQ equality, and a backdoor way to allow legalized discrimination.

As he left the White House to go get his regularly scheduled 9:00am cheeseburgers, Trump told reporters he’d be expanding his order to allow racially segregated drinking fountains.

“I decided that we’re going to end federal overreach wherever it is,” Trump told the press pool, “and that means we might have to reverse some bad decisions that were made in the past folks. I just don’t see what the big deal is on having separate drinking fountains for urbans. You know, Kanye Wests? If I were black, I’d think it was pretty cool that I get my own drinking fountain. It’s like when I go to Russia and insist on my own piss whores instead of sharing with Paul Manafort or Carter Pa – you know what? Never mind.”

Mr. Trump explained that while he’s “only very mildly racist,” he doesn’t see that big a problem with allowing states to segregate again. He said that Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller have convinced him that “freedom of association means allowing blacks to get shit on from time to time.”

“Look, if you value freedom and liberty,” Trump said, “you have to let racists take freedom and liberty away from black people from time to time. In a way, you’re more racist if you don’t, because you’re being racist against a white person’s freedom to be racist, and since there are more white people in this country, you’re being racist to a bigger group. Shame on you. Shame on you all!”

One reporter asked the president if he feels it comports with modern American values to allow anyone to be discriminated against for something they can’t control like their skin color. Trump laughed extremely hard and shook his head. He called it a “FAKE NEWS gotcha question.”

“I figured, hey,” Trump finally answered, “if the gays can’t help being gay but we’re still going to let people discriminate against them, can’t we do the same thing to the, you know, Urbans? The Ben Carsons?”

Yet another reporter asked how he could square expanding his religious freedom order to discrimination against people based on the color of their skin.

“Easy,” Trump said, “a lot of my voters in certain, shall we say, confederated states, have a near religious devotion to being racist.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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