Trump Releases DNA Test Showing He’s 99.9% Diarrhea and Racism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) released results of a DNA test that showed she does indeed have Cherokee heritage, President Donald Trump released the results of his own DNA testing.

“The results are undeniably conclusive,” Dr. Henrietta Hatterly told reporters this morning. “The president is almost completely made up of diarrhea and racism. These facts are probably not shocking to anyone who has heard him speak, looked at him, or generally paid attention to him over the course of his life time. But we are pleased that our DNA tests have confirmed what the naked eye seems easily able to detect.”

Dr. Hatterly is the White House’s chief DNA researcher, hired by Trump to look into his own biological building blocks a few months ago. She says Trump reached out to her after he mocked Warren’s claim of Native American heritage at a rally. The president wanted to “get out ahead” of any calls for him to do a similar DNA test that he challenged Warren to. So he asked Hatterly to join his administration and conduct a series of tests on him.

“All of our tests were extremely conclusive — the chemical content of President Donald Trump is equal parts racist Breitbart headlines and white hot, viscous, bubbling, roiling Taco Bell diarrhea,” Hatterly said. “We’re doing tests on his children to see just how dominant the diarrhea and racism genes are, but a quick cursory glance at Don Jr.’s Twitter feed shows me that we’re probably going to see results right in line with his daddy’s.”

Up next for Dr. Hatterly’s team? A special project from Stephen Miller.

“Mr. Miller wants us to test his DNA and make sure there isn’t an ounce of brown skin in him at all,” Hatterly says. “He’s, like, super-duper fired up to prove that he’s so white he’s translucent.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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