Trump Releases Cookbook in Super Tuesday States: ‘Southern Strategies of Cooking’

MT. ALLER VERS L’ARÈRE ,VIRGINIA — Ahead of Super Tuesday, Donald J. Trump has released a new cookbook entitled, “Southern Strategies of Cooking: For Discriminating Patriotic Tastebuds.”

“This book is so yooge,” Trump told reporters in a small town in Virginia this Tuesday morning. Mr. Trump declared the cookbook “stuffed to the gills” with recipes that “every American — if they’re a winner” can cook at home. He said that while he’s a “gore-mett chef naturally,” he “dumbed down the recipes so even Republican voters could understand them.”

The cookbook was put together by Trump staffers who would ask his supporters at various rallies and campaign events he’s held since joining the fray last summer. Some of the recipes are traditional American food items like apple pie and pot roast, and some are less traditional. One recipe is called “Obummer’s Mashed Taters” and it’s basically regular mashed potatoes but you chant “No Sharia in America” as you mash them. Another recipe is called “Hitlery’s Fried Chicken,” which is regular fried chicken but just before you actually fry it, you order yourself to stand down and spend four years investigating why you didn’t finish cooking the chicken.

Trump also said the book will be divided into two, “separate, but equally yooge and tasty sections,” one for recipes written by white chefs, and one for black chefs’ recipes.

“I’m not saying one set of recipes are better than the other,” Trump said with a shrug of his shoulders, “but the white recipes are in front, and the black recipes are in back. Just so you know where to find them is all.” The crowd roared their approval.

Mr. Trump told the media and rally attendees that he was planning on donating the proceeds from sales of the cookbook to his favorite charity.

“Me, I’m my own favorite charity,” Trump said, “because that’s what real winners do. They think first and only about themselves. They position themselves to win, and if by some chance some losers happen to grab a piece of your coattails and ride them into their own version of your much better glory, so be it. But yes, one hundred percent of sales will go toward maintaining my yoogely important lifestyle of amazing awesomeness.”

The cookbooks will retail for $499 and all come hand signed by someone Trump hired to sign his name for ten cents a signature. It was also announced at the rally that the book will contain a forward by David Duke, though Trump said he’s still “not totally confident” he knows who Duke, the white supremacist who endorsed Trump last week, is.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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