WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump told a stunned looking group of reporters from InfoWars and Breitbart in the Oval Office that he will not be getting involved in any further investigations of Hillary Rodham Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation, citing his 2002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2009 donations to Ms. Clinton’s various congressional and presidential campaigns.
“One of my biggest criticisms of the WITCH HUNT that Robert Mueller is currently conducting on me is that there are MANY conflicts of interest for his team investigating my campaign’s ties to Russia, because many people on Mueller’s team are Democrats,” Trump explained. “And I’m sorry, you can say what you want to about me, but I am not a hypocrite!”
Trump did concede that while he doesn’t consider himself a hypocrite, he does consider himself to be other things.
“Am I a sexual predator who daydreams about boning my daughter? Yes, yes I am,” Trump said. “Am I a money laundering accomplice for Russian oligarchs? Of course. Am I inept? Most definitely. Have I taken a lifetime of privilege and failed at nearly every opportunity, making myself a pop culture joke for most of my adult life? Sure. Did I luck into this job, with the help of a foreign adversary? Sure.”
“Am I someone who is so bad at what I do that I couldn’t even make a casino profitable? Of course. Am I racist who was sued by the federal government for not renting to black people in the 1970’s,” Trump asked rhetorically. “You betcha. Am I an angry, shallow old man who is led around by his nose and told what to do, and the only modicum of control I have in my life is my Twitter account, and that’s why I won’t give it up and use it as a way to vent all my pent-up stupidity and rage? Yes.”
Trump just kept right on describing himself.
“Have I never really lived up to the hype of my name, the one given to me by my super racist parents? Exactly,” Trump said. “Do I pay off porn stars I fucked to keep quiet so that the evangelical rubes that elected me can go another fifteen or twenty minutes not thinking about the self-evident incongruity between my lifestyle and what they want to force everyone else to live? Hell fucking yes.”
Even after fifteen minutes, Trump had not run out of breath, or words to describe himself.
“Is my braggadocious, obnoxious behavior an attempt to cover up my tiny dong and stunted, deteriorating intellect,” Trump asked. “Indubitably. Am I incapable of going more than three days without saying something irrational, stupid, unpresidential, or embarrassing to about 70% of the country? Unmistakably.”
For twenty-four more minutes, Trump kept going.
“Was I such a bad credit risk that’s why only Russian banks would give me and my corrupt crime family members loans? 100%,” Trump said. “Am I the most hilariously fake Christian Republican to ever pretend to be a Christian just so stupid Christians would vote for me? Yup, yup, yup. Will I go down in history as the worst head of state of any country in the history of the world? Until Sarah Palin wins, absolutely.”
Finally, it seemed Trump was ready to move the conversation forward.
“But one thing I am not, nor will ever be, is a hypocrite,” Trump bellowed. “So no, I will not participate in anything involving the investigation of Crooked Hillary! I’ve simply donated too much money over too much time for me to feel like I have any credibility…on that issue. Now, let me show this email I got from Joe Arpaio claiming to have Obama’s Wakandan birth certificate, TOTALLY LEGIT!”
James’ satire can be found on The Pastiche Post, Alternative Science, and Alternative Facts.