Trump Promised Rally Crowd: MAGA Will ‘Avenge General Lee and Actually Win the Next Civil War’

CONROE, TEXAS — This weekend, one-term, twice permanently impeached, defeated former President Don Trump held a klanpaign rally in Texas, and he gave the pro-MAGA crowd everything they wanted.

In a long-winded tirade, the former president lashed out at his former Vice President for not overthrowing the 2020 election. He encouraged his supporters to riot and cause civil unrest if he is indicted under one of the many investigations into his business dealings and attempt to subvert democracy after he lost the popular vote for the second time. During one moment in the speech in particular, Trump promised to pardon those who took part in the Trump Steaks of Coup Attempts on January 6th, 2021.

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Later, Trump seemed to indicate he was willing to lead those same insurrectionists in a second civil war.

“I’m here to tell you right here, and right now, folks. If we don’t fight back against the BOB MUELLER ANGRY FAR LEFT ANTIFA COMMIE SHARIA LAW LEFT, they will make it so that every vote is counted! Do we want to live in a country where they count every vote, and don’t at the very least make white votes count twice as much,” Trump asked the crowd with angry rhetorical fervor.

“But let me tell you something else — they can’t win. They won’t win. Not if we first change the definitions of words so that winning means losing and vice-a-verse-a. After we do that, I promise you, I will lead a MAGA army, a big, beautiful, unwashed, poorly educated MAGA army! And we will avenge General Lee and actually win the next Civil War, by God!”

Trump, yelling so hard he also farted, continued to assure the crowd “this time, the result will be victory for our team” and encouraged his supporters to charge their Rascal scooters in preparation for the first battle.

“Those Never-Trump cucks who were running the show last time signed a treaty at Appomattox, that I still think is one of the most terrible deals America has ever signed, by by the way, and the coastal elite Nancy Pelosi Chuck Schumer Democrats have used that against us ever since! Well, not anymore! Not once ol’ Tiny Sausage Fingers Donny Trump gets in that Oval Office again. Mark my words! Take it to the bank, people!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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