NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Taking a day off from the campaign trail, alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump spoke to the media outside his Trump Tower apartment. Once again, the Republican presidential nominee took the time to take swipes at his rival — Hillary Rodham Clinton — over her recent health issues. He did so while eating a Twinkie, with sweat glistening off his furrowed brow as he spoke.
“Folks,” Trump began, “I know not everyone can be the picture of septuagenarian Adonis-like health like I am. But ask yourself this, can Crooked Hillary run this country on her level of crooked stamina? I don’t think so.”
Mopping sweat from his face and neck, Trump continued as he was handed another Twinkie. He opened the packaging, and stuffed the entire Hostess snack cake filled with cream filling into his gaping maw. He was still chewing as he continued to speak.
“I really don’t think she can,” Trump said, “because unlike me, who is in peak physical condition — for William Howard Taft or Grover Cleveland — Hillary doesn’t have the disciplined, arduous workout routine I have. I workout constantly, as you can tell.”
Finishing his Twinkie, a Trump aide handed the orange tinted bankruptcy expert a Super Mega Big Gulp from a nearby 7/11 store. Trump told the media assembled that it was filled with his favorite — Cherry Coke and Sprite. Trump ripped the plastic lid off the cup and started chugging the contents down his gullet, not stopping as the soda spilled out over his lips, ran down his chin, and puddled at his feet.
“She’s a mess, health-wise,” Trump said, “and look at the results of my latest physical! My totally sane doctor said I was in, quote, excellent physical health. And if you can’t trust a guy I’ve kept on my payroll for a couple decades to give you an honest assessment of my health, well then you’re the one with a problem, losers!”
At that point, Trump raised his right index finger. He dropped to one knee, where it met a pool of soda and his sweat. Taking a large, deep breath, he stood back up.
“See, I’m the picture of health,” Trump said with his breath still short, “I’m…totally…more…healthy than…Crook…ed…Hillary.”
An audible fart was heard.
“That wasn’t me,” Trump insisted. “Even if it was me, my farts are winner farts, and winner farts are healthy, so,” the reality-TV star said, “I’m still better than Hillary ever will be. I’m virile, strong, and ready to take on any task.” As he was handed another Twinkie, Trump tanked the media and told them he had to go.
“I have a luncheon to attend and these were just my mid-day power Twinkies,” Trump told reporters, “but don’t forget to focus on Hillary and how she’s probably like dying of Parkinson’s or AIDS or Parkinson AIDS, or bleeding out of her whatever, know what I mean? Of course you do, I’m the greatest communicatorist of all time.”
Someone farted again.
“That wasn’t me,” Trump said, “definitely wasn’t me.”
It was definitely him.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.