FAIRVIEW, MICHIGAN — While on the road giving his Obamacare replacement bill the hard sell, Co-President Donald Trump was overheard telling aides that he hopes when he finally gets a chance to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin “under world leader circumstances this time,” he said, that Putin will give him an “extra special pat on the head.”
“That whole tax return thing really went much better than I thought it would,” sources close to Trump tell us they heard him say in Michigan today, “and I bet Vlad will be super-duper pleased. He’ll prolly give me an extra-special pat on the head for it.”
Trump explained that sometimes, when he’s doing a good job for Putin, he gets a gentle tap on the head during it, to let him know he’s “really doing it well.”
“Just, you know, special, very intimate times,” Trump said, sheepishly.
Mr. Trump has been dogged by rumors of his connections to Russia and Putin since the 2016 Republican primaries. While Trump has denied allegations of wrongdoing, he did openly advocate for Russian hackers to go after his rival Hillary Clinton’s emails. A handful of top Trump officials have had to resign during the campaign and after he was sworn-in last month due to questions that arose over their communications with Russia. Most famously, Trump’s Attorney General had to recuse himself from any investigations into the Trump/Russia connection, and his national security adviser was forced to resign when it was discovered he’d spoken to Russian officials about sanctions before his boss was officially the president, back in December of 2016.
“Vlad was really pissed about all the heat building up on him,” Trump said, “so I know when that Maddow lady revealed those 12 year old tax returns we sent out — er I mean that were totally illegally stolen from me — he was probably very pleased to see it would result in her being mocked and criticized. That should cool things down on us for awhile, and maybe we can get a little Moscow meeting going. I haven’t visited my dear friends Irina and Olga lately; they always shower me with things I love so very much.”
Though the distraction from “Russiagate” is what he’s most happy about, Trump said that the tax return story also helps keeps Americans from focusing on his other problem areas.
“Hopefully people will talk about how I pay taxes instead of talking about how I want to cut them for rich insurance company execs at the same time I throw millions of people off their health insurance,” Trump said, “that would be sweet. And if this whole tax return thing could also distract the masses from my billionaire cabinet gutting the federal government, that would be sweet as fuck, too, if I’m being honest.”
Mr. Putin could not be reached for comment, but Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said he’d ask his “good buddy” how he felt about this later and get back to us. So that was nice of him.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.