WASHINGTON, D.C. — All over the country, the nation’s schools are closed in recognition and celebration of President’s Day, and while the federal government is also closed for the day, President Donald Trump made sure his executive time included space on his agenda to make a “bigly important” phone call, as he’d tell aides later.
“Vlad! Great to hear your voice again! Man, this back channel Jared had installed is crystal clear,” Trump greeted Russian President Vladimir Putin. “It’s like I’m talking to you from the room next door! This is awesome!”
Trump and Putin exchanged mild pleasantries. Trump asked how “the piss whores are doing these days” and Putin asked Trump if he was “still sewing the seeds of dissension, discord, and disunity” like he’d been asked to do. The two men talked about their favorite recent episodes of “The Real Housewives of North Dakota,” and agreed they should get together for some brunch and possible treason later in the year.
But President Trump didn’t want to forget the reason for his call, either.
“Oh! Vlad, before I forget, today is a special day in this country where we honor the men who have led this great country,” Trump told Putin. “And we celebrate people like George Washington, Abe Lincoln’s much better adversary Jeff Davis, and many others.”
Putin said he was aware of the holiday in America today.
“Vlad, I just wanted to take a few moments and wish you happy Actual President’s Day,” Trump said, with joy pouring out of his voice. “You do such a great job running this country from the shadows, and it’s my honor to wish you warm tidings on this day, dedicated especially to you and people like you, who have actually acted as president.”
President Putin thanked Trump for the call and hung up.
“Man, I hope one day he lets me be president for reals,” Trump said, opening a Diet Coke and farting slightly, which he blamed on Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “Then maybe one day when they celebrate President’s Day, I’ll be mentioned. Ooh! That reminds me!”
Trump snapped his fingers as if he remembered something. He reached inside a drawer in the Resolute Desk and started writing himself a note.
“Check to see if impeached presidents count on President’s Day,” Trump wrote with his favorite crayon. “Hopefully they do. Will issue executive order if they don’t.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.