President Trump Hopeful He’ll Finish Mix Tape For Putin Before He’s Impeached

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to temporary President Donald Trump say that he is hard at work on a special present for Russian Vladmir Putin, who Trump will meet for the first time since taking office later this month.

Trump and Putin are set to meet during the G-20 summit that will be held Germany in July. There have already been rumblings from within the intelligence community that Putin may attempt to get major concessions from Trump at the summit. More than 15 intelligence agencies have surmised that Russia, under the direction of Putin, hacked U.S. systems in order to help damage Trump’s opponent, Hillary Rodham Clinton, in last year’s hotly contested and extremely close election.

The present Trump’s making for Putin, sources say, is a “personal and special” one.

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“Vlad’s just meant so much to me; he’s made such a yooge impression on me,” Trump was overheard telling Kellyanne Conway this week, “I just couldn’t get him off my mind, so I wanted to make him a tape of all the songs that make me think of him.”

Mr. Trump is working on a special mix tape for Putin. The tape contains songs that Trump hopes Putin will hear and think of Trump. The songs are meant to be an audio keepsake of their burgeoning relationship, aides say.

Trump has realized in recent days, however, that his time in the Oval Office may be cut short. On the condition of anonymity and a subscription to StormFront, several Trump aides have confirmed that the widening investigation into Russian hacking and any collusion with his campaign has forced Trump to face the fact that he could be impeached and removed from office. Apparently, the president spoke about that to Sean Spicer recently.

“I’m not saying I know I’m going to be impeached,” Trump told Spicer according to sources, “or that I know there’s shit Mueller’s going to find that I did that will get me impeached. But I mean, my tweets have been getting crazier and crazier, so maybe I’m telegraphing an epic meltdown over being impeached? Who knows? Let’s party!”

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As for the songs on the tape? Some tracks include “Back in the USSR” and “Thank You For Being a Friend and Co-Conspirator.” Trump explained to his staff that he wanted to make the mix tape to show Putin that he was focused on the Russian president’s feelings, wants and desires, and not his own. Trump said he came to an epiphany of sorts, just before starting the mix tape.

“I just wanted to put songs on there he would enjoy;” Trump said, “I finally get how that works now.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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