Trump Explains Secret Meeting With Putin Was ‘Just a Meet Cute’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new report out from The Washington Post indicates that President Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin had a second, private meeting during the G20 summit in Paris, France earlier this summer. Trump took to Twitter this morning to castigate the media and any reports on this story.

However, as Trump was leaving the White House this morning to make what he called a “deep fried food run,” the president walked back his denial, and instead gave an explanation for the meeting that the Post reported on. This is not the first time Trump has given wildly differing explanations for something; he had denied any collusion between Russia and his campaign took place for months, only to have his own son release an email chain to the media that shows a clear effort and desire to obtain information on Hillary Clinton that was stolen by Russian operatives.

“It was just a meet cute, okay folks? Just a meet cute,” Trump explained, his hands upturned and just above his waist.

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For those unfamiliar with the term, the entertainment industry coined the term “meet cute” to describe a scene in which two characters who eventually wind up romantically involved have a random, sometimes awkward first encounter that foreshadows their later entanglement. Romantic comedies often employ the plot device to show sparks of chemistry between two parties that are clearly into each other.

“We certainly didn’t discuss anything inappropriately,” Trump said, “Vlad just complimented me on my suit, and I kind of awkwardly thanked him for the compliment. Then, we both made a move for the covfefe creamer, and his hand touched mine for a brief moment. It was awkward but hot, Bigly, tremendously hot.”

Later, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer would seem to confirm at least some aspects of Trump’s new explanation. A White House reporter for The New York Times tweeted that Spicer explained the meeting was only “pleasantries.” Asked about Spicer’s comments, Trump agreed with his press secretary.

RELATED: Putin Disappointed Trump Doesn’t Look Like His Online Dating Pic

“Yeahhhhhh, pleasantries, that’s the ticket! We were only exchanging pleasantries,” Trump repeated.

The president paused for a second.

“Pleasantries are what they call their dollars over there, right? I always forget,” Trump said, “No, wait those are boobles. I love boobles. Wait. What?”

After twenty minutes of rambling incoherence about the fire truck he got to sit in the other day, Trump handed all the reporters personalized, signed copies of the 2016 Electoral Map. He was now running late to pick up the deep fried foods, so he bade the pool farewell. Before he left though, he spoke one more time about his second, previously undisclosed meeting with Putin.

“Look, nothing happened in that meeting, okay,” Trump said, “I promise you that. And you can trust my promises. Like my promise to lock up Crooked Hillary, or my promise to repeal Obamacare on the first day of my presidency. All promises I have kept…in my mind. This was just a chance, random meeting of two people who end up together later, okay? No big deal.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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