Trump: “Those 3,000 Puerto Ricans Died On Purpose To Make Me Look Bad!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Discussing his administration’s response to Hurricane Florence, a massive storm barreling down on the east coast, President Trump once again was forced to reconcile with how his team handled last year’s deadly hurricane season. Specifically, Mr. Trump was asked questions about Puerto Rico, that was devastated by Hurricane Maria, with an official death toll over 3,000.

Trump had tweeted about the fatality count earlier this morning, and reporters were following up on those tweets. It’s unclear whether or not Trump truly meant to imply that Democratic operatives had inflated the death toll, but in a pair of tweets, that was certainly the implication many took away.

This week, Trump has been under renewed scrutiny because Hurricane Florence is making its way through the eastern parts of the United States, reminding everyone of last year’s horrific storm season, and Maria’s utter devastation. Surprisingly, Trump had nothing but praise for his administration’s response to Maria, despite almost as many Americans dying in Puerto Rico as did on September 11th, 2001.

After the president’s lunch break, it seemed that he had calmed just a bit, and he backed down from the accusation that Democrats inflated the number. Instead, Trump believes that the people who died in Puerto Rico did so to personally sleight him.

“Look, the last thing I want to do is something unpresidential, but let me just do exactly that right now, and use the corpses of 3,000 Americans to insult people who, for some strange reason, think I’m not doing a good job,” Trump said. “I have to say, that I think at least some, if not all, of those people who died in Puerto Rico probably had it out for me.”

Slurping down a Diet Coke and heaving chunks of KFC into his mouth, Trump continued.

“In fact, I bet that some of them probably didn’t even have to die, not really,” Trump mused. “That’s right. I bet those 3,000 Puerto Ricans died on purpose, just to make me look bad!”

President Trump blamed the “fake news media and Crooked Hillary’s Democrats” for Puerto Rico death toll.

“The fake news media and Crooked Hillary’s Democrats got all up inside those peoples’ heads, telling them how bad I am. Quoting me verbatim and then showing people the results of my policies,” Trump said. “And I’m sorry, but Puerto Ricans look awfully Mexican-ish to me, and I think we can all agree that literally every Mexico-ish person hates me, with absolutely NO REASON to, so hair-go, you see I’m the victim here, and not the 3,000 dead Americans.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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