Trump: Puerto Ricans ‘Wrong Shade of American’ to Get All Help Needed

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, even though less than a month has passed since Hurricane Maria devastated Puerto Rico, and despite reports that over 80% of the island doesn’t have power restored yet, President Donald Trump sent a series of tweets intimating he wants to cut off FEMA aid to it.

In a series of tweets, Trump quoted Sharyl Attkisson, a former CBS news reporter who now works for Sinclair Broadcasting — a right-wing media company that is currently growing in size and have been major supporters of the Trump agenda. Attkisson asserts that a “financial crisis” is facing Puerto Rico, and that the infrastructure on the island was a “disaster before the hurricanes,” Trump tweeted. In his final tweet on the subject, Trump said the U.S. “cannot keep FEMA, the Military, & the First Responders” in Puerto Rico indefinitely.

Critics say that the response from the administration was slow to begin with, and now there is an inhumane, unnecessary rush to pull out before the recovery efforts have done as much as they can. Trump, seen leaving the White House with a golf bag over his shoulder and a hot dog in his right hand, stopped to talk to reporters about his Puerto Rico comments before being ushered into a waiting limousine.

RELATED: Puerto Rico Man Waiting Until Power Is Restored So He Can Be Offended By Football Players Kneeling

“It’s hard to hear it, I know folks,” Trump said, “but we as a country cannot continue to just spend money willy-nilly in humanitarian efforts.”

Reporters asked if Trump feels any responsibility to the people of Puerto Rico, who despite the island not being an official U.S. state, are in American citizens. Trump shrugged. He answered in the negative, and then explained himself.

“Oh sure, they’re Americans,” Trump said, “but they’re the wrong shade of American, if you know what I mean.”

Asked for clarification, Trump explained himself further.

“See, if they looked like they were from Mississippi, or Tennessee, or even Canada, I’d still be down there right now,” Trump said, “chucking paper towels at them like all good philanthropists do.”

RELATED: Trump Wants To Know How Many Electoral College Votes He Got From Puerto Rico Before He Helps Them

Trump indicated that his lack of empathy for Puerto Rico also stems from the results of last year’s election in which he won a stunning upset of Hillary Rodham Clinton, who he also blamed for the hurricanes that devastated Puerto Rico. Clinton wanted to add thousands of people to her secret kill list, Trump said, and the best way to do that was to conjure a hurricane and devastate Puerto Rico with it.

“As all good which do,” Trump said, “and frankly if Puerto Rico had gotten me even a single Electoral College vote, I’d have stopped that Hillary Hurricane faster than you could say covfefe! Unfortunately, I have a strict Washingtonian view of the presidency. Meaning I don’t help no one for nothing unless they helped me first. You know, just like George Washington.”

Residents of Puerto Rico would be highly offended to the point of rioting, if they had electricity and/or something to loot or burn down to the ground. This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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