President Trump Will Go On Publicity Tour With Widow, Body Of Dead SEAL Killed In Yemen Raid

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning at a ceremony in the White House rose garden, President Donald Trump announced that he and the body of fallen SEAL member William “Ryan” Owens will accompany Owens’ widow Carryn on a tour of the country.  Owens’ body will ride in the belly of Air Force One, while Carryn will ride “up front,” Trump said, with him.

“That way I can, you know,” Trump explained, “get to know Carryn on a very personal, very intimate level. I like to do that with everyone I exploit and use as a prop for my own ego. I know, I know. But no need to thank me or make a big deal out of it; I’m just that magnanimous in general.”

Trump has come under some fire for the way in which, during his special speech to a joint session of congress, some feel he paraded Ms. Owens in front of the nation and the world as justification for his travel ban and to obfuscate any responsibility for the raid in Yemen that left SEAL Owens dead. That executive order has faced stiff pushback from the ACLU and the lower district federal courts. The Ninth Circuit court of appeals put an indefinite injunction on the order last week.

President Trump said he’s hoping the “Body and Broad” tour as he’s calling it, will drum up support for not only his travel ban, but all of his policies.

“Fear is a great motivator,” Trump said, “really quite tremendous. You’d be surprised what people will buy into and go along with when they’re scared shitless, folks.”

Political props will not be limited to just dead Navy SEALs and their widows, according to Trump. He and his administration have come up with a list of people, places, and things they’ll be using strictly as political theater in the upcoming weeks. Trump is hopeful these things will “serve as symbols and reminders” to the American people that he’s right, and anyone who challenges him is “very, very wrong.”

“We’re going to be taking pieces of the Twin Towers out on the road with us,” Trump said, “and we’re going to have several body parts from the Boston Marathon bombing in plastic bags for people to see. It’s going to be a really terrific show, guys. Everyone should come out. Lots of things from our history to prove that only white Americans are to be trusted. I mean. Wait. Did I say that out loud already. Oopsie. Steve’s going to be pissed.

Trump wrapped up the press conference quickly, telling reporters he was going to have to “smooth things over” with Co-President Bannon, having “let the cat out of the bag early.”

“Just know this,” Trump said as he walked away, “I am a bold leader. Being a bold leader sometimes means being brave enough to use tragedy as your political prop. Just sayin’. That I’m awesome. And have normal looking skin. And a normal sized penis. We weren’t talking about those things, per se, but they’re never really irrelevant either, know what I mean? Of course you do. I’m President, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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