President Trump Wants All Undocumented People Be Issued Sombrero Patches

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — While on yet another weekend jaunt to his Floridian hotel and compound, President Donald Trump floated a new idea in regards to immigration. Trump wants to have funds set aside to create embroidered patches in the shape of traditional Mexican sombreros. The patches would then be issued to any undocumented workers his special deportation task force finds.

“These patches will be the best patches you can imagine, made from the finest of materials by the best sweat shop labor the third world has to offer,” Trump told reporters as he got ready to tee off for a round of presidential golf, “and they will help us identify them more quickly, so we know which ones we haven’t put into our big deportation catapult we’re having built right next to our great wall yet.”

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Trump acknowledged that many undocumented immigrants aren’t from Mexico, but said he was “goin’ with the Mexi-hats anyway.”

“They might not be from Mexico, sure,” Trump conceded, “but right or wrong, we’ve all grown accustomed to just picturing Mexicans when we talk about any kind of illegal immigrants. Hell, I’ve visited red states that have no Hispanic or Latino populations to speak of, and they’re still fired about The Mexicans taking their jobs.”

To help pay for the new sombrero patches, Trump says he has a “plan so simple even [his] supporters can understand it.”

“We take out a small loan of a trillion dollars from Russia,” Trump said, “I have some, shall we say, acquaintances there who can give us great terms. Then, we pay back the Russian loan by forcing anyone with a sombrero patch to pay an extra ten percent tax on everything they buy, until it’s their turn to take a ride on the Trump Trebuchet, which is what we’re calling the deportation catapult. We thought about calling it the deportapult, but thought that would be too much a mouthful. And now speaking of a mouthful, my hot daughter will come say some things.”

Ivanka Trump later told reporters that the co-President is “the best fascist and father” she could have ever hoped for.

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Recent studies have all shown net immigration from Mexico has been down for years. In fact, in 2015 Pew Research published a study that showed more Mexicans leaving the United States than coming to it. Trump dismissed reporters’ questions about this as “gotcha lamestream media tactics of asking about the truth and facts and shit.”

“The bottom line is that illegal immigration is the most serious threat to our country,” Trump said, “and it’s not climate change, systemic racism or poverty, stagnating wages, ever-increasing wealth and income inequality, or education access. It’s illegal immigration. So we’re going to fix that, and these patches are a great tool for that purpose. Now, let’s go Make American Great Again, and Let’s Also Somehow Someway Kinda Help Make Mexico Semi Decent Again.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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