WASHINGTON, D.C. — In recent days, Co-President Trump made headlines when he quipped that “nobody knew how complicated health care could be” at a recent meeting with CEOs of the health insurance industry.
Trump ran on a platform of the full repeal of the Affordable Care Act, a landmark 2009 healthcare insurance law that Trump’s party has been fighting to strike from the books, despite it being born out of a prominent right-wing think tank. At a press conference this morning, Trump announced that he had “come up with a really brilliant” idea to not only get rid of Obamacare, but to make healthcare in America “immediately and permanently bigly better.”
“How about just calling Obamacare Trumpcare,” Trump asked sincerely, “has anyone thought about that one yet?”
Mr. Trump believes that many Americans just didn’t like the Affordable Care Act because “that black guy from Kenya’s name is on it.”
“I just saw a poll this month that said something like 53% of Republicans didn’t understand that repealing Obamacare would mean we’re repealing the ACA,” Trump said, “so that clearly shows me that mostly people didn’t like it because that black guy from Kenya’s name is on it. So let’s just slap my name on it, and the MAGA crowd will buy into it hook, line, and sinker. Trust me.”
The co-president has other, similar ideas to this one that he hopes may alleviate many of the burdens facing Americans today.
“The way I see it,” Trump said, “nothing with my name on it ever fails.”
One reporter asked Trump about his line of steaks, bottled water, and casinos, as well as the number of times he’s had to have one of his companies file bankruptcy. They also asked about the Trump University fraud lawsuit that the co-president settled out of court just days before being sworn in. Trump shrugged.
“Yeah, I said ‘the way I see it,'” Trump chastised the reporter, “as in, if you’re me, you don’t believe anything with your name on it fails. So, I see it that way. Is it true? Nah, it’s an alternative fact. But guess what, bitches? That’s the same as real facts now. Nothing you can do about it, because as soon as you make a move to call me on my bullshit, I just cream FAKE NEWS at the top of my lungs and my supporters will dutifully stuff their fingers in their years and scream ‘La! La! La!’ until they lose their voices.”
“Speaking of losing their voices,” Mr. Trump said to Reince Priebus, his chief of staff, “get me that executive order on restricting voter access to people who can pass a pigment test, will ya? Let’s get this shit going! America baby! FUCK YEAH!”
Mr. Trump then did a monster line of blow off Ivanka’s tits and signed the fuck out of those executive orders.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.