WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking to right-wing media outlets and CEOs from a handful of defense contractor companies, alleged billionaire and President of the United States, Donald J. Trump promised to “ooga booga the fuck outta” ISIS, Al Qaeda, and radical terrorism in general if he is elected in November.
“Tell me this, you’re all smart people, tell me this,” Trump asked, “why was President Obama so afraid to use the words ‘radical Islamic terrorism?’ Clearly he didn’t understand that we have to say these words, together, 3 times in a row, or not only will we never defeat ISIS or Al Qaeda, we’ll never defeat terrorism.”
Trump told the meeting attendees that he and his team have stumbled upon the easiest, most effective way to combat terrorism. Mr. Trump further stated it is not “finding the root causes and fixing them as best as we can,” but rather, “screaming ‘Ooga Booga!’ at all Muslims everywhere.”
“Some will tell you I’m generalizing about Muslims the way a certain mustachioed, crinkle-dicked fascist did back in Germany in the 1930’s,” Trump said, “about Jewish people. I don’t know about all that, but I do know that if we don’t shout Ooga Booga at the top of our lungs, the terrorists win. And since we all know terrorists are only Muslims, and not say, people who shoot up Planned Parenthood clinics or bomb federal buildings in Oklahoma, it only makes sense to castigate all Muslims for the actions of a small minority of them.”
Trump said that he will immediately ask his joint chiefs of staff to put together a plan for how he can shout “Oooga Booga!” to as many jihadis as possible.
“Maybe it’s a bullhorn,” Trump mused, “and maybe it’s, like, a really, really, really, really big bull horn. I don’t know. I’ll leave that to the nerds and their algebra. I just know we have got to get me the ability to scream Ooga Booga as loudly as possible to as many terrorists as possible.”
When a reporter asked if he thought on average, per capita, there were more of his supporters that were racists or antisemites than there were Muslim immigrants from Syria who are part of terror cells, Trump bellowed a laugh.
“I don’t even know what half of those words mean,” Trump said, “but I do know, for a fact, an undeniable, great fact, that the only path to victory over radical Islamic terrorism is to shout OOGA FUCKING BOOGA! That’s it. The rest of this debate is for the nerds and eggheads to figure out. Ivanka and I have a date later I need to get ready for.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.