Trump: ‘When the President Stalks, Bullies, Harasses and Blackmails, It’s Not Illegal’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The feud between two MSNBC morning hosts and President Donald Trump has reached yet another new low point.

Just a day after Trump viciously attacked Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough, hosts of “Morning Joe,” on Twitter, Scarborough and Brzezinski — who announced their engagement earlier this year — wrote a scathing op-ed for The Washington Post in which they called Trump’s sanity into question. The piece claims that the president has an “unhealthy obsession” with them and their show. The op-ed also addresses Trump’s claim that Brzezinski was “bleeding” from her face after recent plastic surgery, calling that claim false and part of a pattern of Trump’s “continued mistreatment of women.”

On their show, the pair discussed their op-ed and Scarborough spoke in detail about a run-in he had as he was leaving Brzezinski’s home earlier this year. Mr. Scarborough said that he noticed a man parked outside the home, and the man was from The National Enquirer. Brzezinski then spoke about representatives from the Enquirer calling her daughters to harass them. Then, Mr. Scarborough spoke about perhaps the most chilling aspect of this drama to date.


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Scarborough says that representatives from the Enquirer contacted him and said they’d be running a damaging story about he and Brzezinski. Then, he says that administration officials reached out to him, demanding he apologize to Trump and the Enquirer story would be “spiked.” By all outside appearances, it appeared that Trump asked The National Enquirer to harass and intimidate Brzezinski and Scarborough. Trump has said in the past he’s friends with tabloid oulet’s CEO, David Pecker.

This morning, while leaving the White House to go on his regular covfefe and doughnut run, Trump was stopped by reporters from the press pool and asked several questions about this rapidly developing story.




“This is all just fake news from fake news makers being all fakety fake fake and stuff,” Trump said initially.

The reporters pressed on, however. One asked Mr. Trump if he thinks it’s appropriate for a sitting U.S. President to engage in petty, personal squabbles. The same reporter asked Trump if he thinks the allegations that Scaroborough and Brzezinski made about the actions of the National Enquirer’s staff — and his own top aides as Scarborough pointed out on his show — to rose to the level of “stalking, bullying, or even blackmail.”

Trump laughed uproariously.


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“Of course not,” Trump said, “and besides, even if they did, which I mean, let’s not kid ourselves, they do, it wouldn’t make them illegal. When the president stalks, bullies, harasses, and blackmails, it’s not illegal.”

Trump said he was basing his assertions on “solid legal advice from these uppity lawyer-type Jews” he trusts from his legal advisory team.

“They told me that I’m literally God now,” Trump said, “and so whatever I do is totally legal. Not like that lawless Emperor King Obama was! Also, let’s just say it’s illegal, what I’ve done here, do you really think my base will care? They think the media aren’t human, thanks to me. They think you all purposefully run fake stories and are out to get me, thanks to me. So I could be caught on tape sucking Putin’s dick while a Russian piss whore burns the American flag and I wouldn’t lose a single supporter. Why should I care what FAKE NEWS Jerky Jerkersons think about me?”

Reached for comment, the spirit of Richard Nixon released a short statement from his cell in Hell.

“Whoah, bro,” Nixon said, “that’s fucked up. Even for me. That’s just fucked-up.”

Today’s Gallup approval ratings for President Trump show that just 40% of Americans surveyed approve of the job he’s doing so far.


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