WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office he wanted to “get out in front” of a possible controversy brewing over his State of the Union address, which he will give to a joint session of Congress later today.
“Look, I’m sure some of the very fake news will be reporting that I didn’t write this speech, but I can assure you I wrote large portions of it,” Trump told reporters. “Such as the part where I say hello to everyone, and the part where I say goodbye to everyone when it’s done. But, in the interest of full disclothing, I wanted to get out in front of a story that they’ll try to make me look bad with — yes I had help from another president.”
Unbidden, five reporters simultaneously said, “Putin.” Trump corrected them immediately.
“No! Not Uncle Vlad! He was too busy to give me notes, anyway,” Trump said. “I got help writing this speech from none other than the President of Guam.”
President Trump said that while the writing sessions for the speech went “bigly well enough” when it was just him and Stephen Miller working on it, he realized while “on the Twitter throne” one morning last week that he needed some advice from other world leaders and heads of state. After his calls to the presidents of Texas, Alabama, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands went straight to voicemail on him, he says he knew he had just one last option try. So he had the White House operator get him on the phone with Guam’s president right away.
“You’re already on the line with him, sir,” the operator said.
Trump didn’t miss a beat.
“Of course I am! That’s because I only hire the best, and you’re so good you could sense telegraphically, like you had some kind of ESPN, or maybe Fox Sports, that I’d need to speak to Guam’s president,” Trump said.
The operator tried to impart some basic knowledge on Trump.
“No, sir, you are the President of Guam,” the operator said.
Trump wasn’t having any of it.
“Now, deary, I don’t want to correct you, don’t want to mayonnaise-splain this to you, but just because I won the Electoral College so bigly, that doesn’t mean I’m president everywhere,” Trump laughed while chiding the operator. “Believe me, I thought so at first too, but apparently that Leader of the Free World thing is just a turn of phrase or whatever.”
The operator sighed.
“Guam is an American territory sir, so technically, you are indeed its president,” the operator said.
Trump still did not believe the phone operator.
“If that’s true, then why come no one told me this before,” Trump asked.
Just then, twelve people in the room with Trump told him that each tried to tell him the same exact thing. Trump sat in his chair behind the Resolute Desk, doing the things his mother taught him to do in order to look like he’s deep in thought. After letting out a squeaking fart, he raised his finger in the air, and President Trump spoke.
“Very good! You passed my test! You all passed my test that I clearly was giving you all along because I know so very, very, very much and I wanted to make sure you all know as much as I do,” Trump said. “Twenty gold stars and sixteen presidential puss grabs for each of you!”
President Trump delivers his State of the Union, the first of his tenure in office, tonight at 9pm ET/6pm PT.